Franklin: [00:00:00] Right now, the world needs great men who will stand up and lead with honor, serve with purpose, and courageously fulfill their God given roles and responsibilities as husbands, fathers, leaders, and men. It's time we see more men thrive, marriages filled with passion, and families that flourish. So whether you're a man struggling to figure it all out, or an awesome husband and dad looking for the next level, you've come to the right place.
We're your hosts, Franklin Swan and Tanner Hayes, bringing you practical, applicable tools and strategies you can use every day to build yourself into the man God is calling you to be. This is The World Needs Men. Let's go All right, welcome back to the world needs men podcast. I am [00:01:00] your host today And very excited to introduce our guest ryan carnahan The president and head coach of superhuman fathers the co host of the stoic dad podcast He's a proud husband and father of three children the self proclaimed world's greatest hype man and Welcome to the show ryan.
It's a real uh You Really exciting to have you on. It's a privilege.
Ryan: Thanks. I can't really express the gratitude because it's my favorite moment. Any time to discuss the pain that imperfection brings men. I know it sounds silly. And if you're listening to this, like, please open your ears right now. Not because I'm here, but because this man Franklin really cares.
And we just had a discussion on how to, to bring something special for you guys. And we're gonna do the best we can. So open up and prepare yourself.
Franklin: That's a good point. [00:02:00] Our hope is that this brings some encouragement and some equipping for men to be strong men. loving husbands and present fathers and be that that your family needs and deserves and wants.
Ryan, tell us a little about who you are, your background, your story. Just give us a little context.
Ryan: So I am a lazy perfectionist. Okay. This is my background. I've maybe overcome that a little bit, but I, I despised my imperfection. And I know you're like, Oh, that's really weird to go straight to that, but I have a beautiful life.
I love dearly and I have three kids, eight, five and two or three now. But I was in a place just recently where I wasn't a bad guy. I'm 36. Okay. So that'll put context. Um, I was the world's best before the world's greatest hype, man. I was the world's best Spanish teacher, which also might also might [00:03:00] surprise you by the way I look.
But I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing a man I didn't like and I had to deal with this and we can get into how that progressed. But in the beginning was there was a gap. I was somewhere I wasn't where I wanted to be financially. I wasn't where I wanted to be physically. I wasn't where I wanted to be spiritually, emotionally.
My marriage wasn't near where I have this beautiful wife and these kids and talk about present fathers because I look at myself and my imperfections so much. I was so sensitive and defensive and then I, I couldn't tolerate myself. And so I sedate. In many different ways, but some of it was just going back to hoping in the future that things would be better.
Like when I get there, I'll be worthy. I'll be enough. But then I wouldn't show up in the present. See, [00:04:00] talk about lazy perfectionism. I have this goal. Yeah. Someday when I get here, I'll be able to be present because I'll be happy. And then I'd find myself. Realizing that I'm not that man. And then I would doubt the future and the future wasn't safe anymore.
And I didn't like myself in the present. So I'd go back to the past where it was good, but I have some trauma back there. And I go back to this date and I know you all have this. There's one moment that you glom onto one moment. You want to race or something or wrestling tournament. Or for me, it was even more lazy than that.
It was. 2004, the waves are firing. I'm in my hometown, Oceanside, California, and I just have zero worries. And I would go back there. But then that place wasn't safe either because I can't, I can't stay there. My, I hear my wife's voice and it would remind me of how it wasn't enough. Then I go back to the future.
And so, I would go to the future, didn't like it because I couldn't be in the present. I'd wake up lost in the [00:05:00] future, I guess, because I couldn't be in the present moment and that began to change. So if you guys don't know, I have a brother named Kyle Carnahan and we together built a program called superhuman fathers.
Now, Kyle was the one. So he's my eight years, my elder. And I already, I'm already feeling my imperfection. See, I'm already a competitive with my brother, but he was solid. Now, when I say solid, it doesn't mean that he had everything figured out. He was disciplined in certain aspects of his life. He was a firefighter.
He was shredded. He was my older brother. And I was like, but he was kind of an asshole. Right. So, and he couldn't be president at home either. So here's something really interesting. He was the disciplined, savage. Firefighter, but then the trauma from his job would, it would be hard for him to connect with his wife and children because they'd [00:06:00] complain about things.
And he's like, well, I just thought dead kids, like, can you get your shit together and toughen up? Right. Well, I couldn't be present just because I was soft, sensitive. And so we came together. He makes the, he, uh, He comes out to a superhuman father. It's just Instagram. And he has this post. And of course, like little brother, I'm like, okay, bro.
Okay. Mr. Superhuman father, you know, picking on him. Something spoke to me just like, I know what you just said about being strong present fathers and
Franklin: loving husbands.
Ryan: Yeah. Loving husbands is it spoke to me. And I said, you know what? I'm all in. Let's figure this out. And so together we built this and we have hundreds of men and transformations.
And between Kyle and I, we have 8, 000 zoom calls the last two years talking to dudes and seeing real transformation in every aspect of life from body being balanced business or whatever, however you want to say faith, [00:07:00] family, fitness, fire, whatever, whatever way the pillars go with me. We'll go back to my story, just to shorten it up.
As I realized the imperfection, I resented. Something hit me, and I realized that because I could never be perfect, I was already perfect. Because I could never be worthy, I'm already worthy. That imperfection is a gift that means no matter how awesome you are, you can and still be more awesome tomorrow and that there is no level of imperfection that is acceptable.
And I know that sounds crazy. Wait, wait, that means you have to be perfect. Well, we can play here. This is very, and I begin to philosophize and I begin to allow my imperfection instead of define me. I'm talking to all these men and they see, they feel the same imperfection. It doesn't matter where they're at.
[00:08:00] They are responding to it. Similar similarly as myself, I'm letting it define me and I hate it. What changed is the moment that I began to speak to these men, I began to connect with them in that moment of compromise. So we can talk about, you know, and I just, I just blab on, but it's my favorite. This is my favorite concept is that our imperfection, it's almost like we have, how is it the pizza boy, which is what I called myself.
Okay. Okay. Now pizza boy, I'm shredded. I'm the most fulfilled I've ever been. I make the most money I ever have. I'm the most connected with my wife. I've ever been on the most present father. I'm strong. I'm the strongest I've ever been now. Okay. And there's guys worth a hundred million dollars. On the superhuman fathers program and pizza boys coach and it makes me giggle Because and but it [00:09:00] teaches something it's not i'm not flexing on you guys If Pizza Boy can figure this out, anybody can.
And if a man who we would think is way further ahead of us, feels the same disdain for imperfection, then is it really his ability to overcome imperfection that defines him? Because he's overcome a lot of imperfection if he's had such progress, or is it the relationship that he builds with imperfection as he goes through his journey?
And this is what I started to realize is just like I used to sedate with, uh, whatever I could scrolling on my phone, porn, whatever it is, you know, just not being present. Because I didn't like myself sometimes, and I would say in a lot of [00:10:00] cases, success itself is a form of sedation because you fear imperfection so much you have to just crush it so that anytime you're exposed to your imperfection, you borrow confidence from aspects of your life and what you're doing well to cover up where you're not showing up and complacency It's almost as there is a correlation with success and a feeling of lack of fulfillment because of lack of impact.
Complacency robs you of impact because when we resent imperfection, we're hoping that we can get past the pain. We hope that we can get to a moment of our life where we can escape. Nighttime. It's like night always comes. You can't, it's seasonal. You can't avoid it. And going back to the, this relationship, how is it a man lower on [00:11:00] the mountain pizza boy who resented his imperfection?
Just like these men that are super successful, resent their imperfection. How do they connect? How can I lead them? That doesn't make sense. Well, this is what you guys tell yourself because you're, you have this perfectionist, or his imperfection is less than mine, so I'm worse than him or vice versa. Well check it out.
Stubbing your toe higher on the mountain feels the same as subbing your toe lower on the mountain, and so the men from lower on the mountain. Can inspire the man higher on the mountain because stubbing your toe feels the same. We're defined by how we respond to our imperfection, not by the actual stubbing of the toe.
Now the men that are higher up on the mountain have the view and they like to pull back and stop walking. And so they forget. What it's like to stub your toe. They forget how to fail, which is a [00:12:00] skill in and of itself. They forget how to respond to the truth when it is exposed to them. And so wherever you are, you must hunt failure, be it forced upon you right now.
Maybe you're right now and you're like, I don't want to hunt failure. I'm getting divorced and I can't, I have trauma that was forced upon me or it was self caused. I did drugs or it doesn't matter. I get a quote from God every day. One of my favorite quotes that he gave me is he goes, Though your trauma, and you can replace this with anything, circumstance, uh, success, it doesn't matter.
But I say trauma, though your trauma feels unique. It's not the tools to overcome are the same. You are not excused from success now, specifically trauma. And I have zero, when I say things, by the way, I don't read books. This all comes from, well, we can get into that, but journaling, okay. Reflective journaling trauma in my perspective [00:13:00] only exists.
If we lack the ability to attach meaning to it, and that is self caused random or forced upon us because trauma reminds us of it's, it's just massive inconvenience. And guess what imperfection is? Massive inconvenience. What is the difference between man and God? Let's see. God can think and create. Man can think, but it takes a little bit longer for him to create, because the imperfection holds him back.
Now, I obviously just went on a rant here, but as you can tell, I've done a lot of thinking. Over the amount of time that I've spent with these men, so many calls, so many thoughts. I, in the last two years, I don't remember watching a movie or even a TV show, and I'm not even bragging. I just didn't have time.
I was talking to all these dudes. So I'm constantly, I didn't read a book. I [00:14:00] just sit and think. And this ability. In my perspective, the ability to remember your worthiness, because where are you guys at right now? A lot of you guys. Hear quotes. I'm going to play here. I'm just going for it. I call it regurgitated wisdom.
You hear these quotes, like you can experience the pain of change or the pain of regret. And I'm like, well, what is pain? First off, pain is, is inconvenient. Pain is imperfection. Why are we trying to avoid pain? In that statement, I do not, I have a selfish pursuit. I am trying to get to a point where I don't have to experience pain anymore.
And that is the whole issue is I want to become the man that keeps the [00:15:00] pain the same and doesn't resent it. I keep the pain the same, but increase in strength. And what happens on leg day when you keep the pain the same every single time, but you increase in strength, you can do more work. Is this resonating Franklin?
I'm just going off.
Franklin: It is. There's a few things that come to mind as you're telling me this. You know, you talk to men on zooms and phone calls that come in looking for looking for coaching. And I think of the pursuit of perfection. What ends up happening? I think for men, we all we all end up posturing, right?
We posture up. We put on this, uh, this perspective or this, uh, perception of perfection, right? And, and the reality is, is that doesn't do anything other than keep us stuck in the, in the hurt and the pain and the, and the brokenness that we're in. And it's, it's ultimately when we get past that to, to the imperfection [00:16:00] that we're actually able to see each other and appreciate and, and, And accept some grace.
And I think that's another element to it. If you're posturing and pursuing perfection, you're not humbling yourself to receiving the grace for simply being an imperfect human, an imperfect man who is going to who is going to fail, who's going to fall short. And I think the The higher you get, like you stubbed your toe at the bottom and the top, it feels the same.
But the only difference I would say is the roll down that hill after you trip is much harder.
Ryan: It's almost like a muddy hill. Like you get these dorks and they'll slip and then they judge themselves off of the slip and they just lay there and slowly slide down the muddy hill instead of just getting back up because they're like, Oh, I slip because they define themselves by the man that They, they hate their imperfection.
And you talk about posturing. This is really interesting because we can bring Jesus into this. [00:17:00] That's my favorite thing in the world is where was I before? I didn't feel worthy. So what happens when I don't feel worthy? I'm so scared of not being worthy or being seen as unworthy or, or being, or recognizing my thinking that my imperfection makes me unworthy.
Okay? That I constantly have to hide from it. And if I, like, think about the statement, am I saved? How selfish is that? Like, am I saved? I'm only worried about me. The moment I understand that I'm already worthy, right, is the moment that I can help others now. I can take all that energy I was using to try to feel worthy, to make myself worthy, to achieve.
I can now use that to help my children feel worthy to remind [00:18:00] them of to help my remind my wife that she's worthy, which is a true statement. Now, that's the other thing. So you got some guys will push back on this and it's bullshit. Like you are worthy right now. You have infinite inherent value, all the value you'll ever have you already have.
And we think. That success increases our value being less imperfect increases our value. Well, guess what? You're still imperfect. And so if success doesn't increase my value, then failure doesn't decrease my value. And so it isn't a moment where I have to arrive with enough value. I will never get there, ever.
The skill then is not to become less imperfect so that we increase our value. The skill is to build the ability to remember [00:19:00] that infinite value we have in the dark times.
Franklin: There's a quote by Andy Stanley that you bring to mind and I heard him say something to the effect of all suffering is simply an excessive focus on ourselves.
And I really feel like that's kind of what you're hitting at. Like when we're focused on our own imperfection, we're focused on ourselves. And when we're focused on ourselves, we can't focus on the needs of other people. I remember a particular quote. physical challenge event I did, and there were a bunch of coaches and there were a bunch of us, uh, kind of getting put through the ringer.
And, and one of the bits of advice that they had for us, they said, take your eyes off yourself and focus on the, on the man to your left and your right. And naturally when, when you would simply focus on helping and serving and encouraging the guy to your, to the side of you, that naturally brought this whole different level of energy and an ability to just keep [00:20:00] going.
Because you weren't focusing on your own suffering anymore, and, and it seems to me that when we are so stuck in, in focusing on ourselves, we just, we end up leeching and draining from the people that are closest to us, and then that impacts our wives and our kids the most, they feel it the most, they take the, the brunt of it the most, and, and then the dangerous thing is, they When we see what we have done, then we, we prime ourselves for even more self resentment and hate and shame because of what we've done to the people that we love the most.
And so how do you, when you talk to these, uh, to all these men, y'all, you coach and all, what's that turning point that you see where that allows men to pivot out of a place of, um, It's probably self pity to a point. It's, it's selfishness. It's also pride. It's the posturing, the, the perfectionism, and a lot of that we don't even [00:21:00] realize, like we're doing those things.
And we don't even know we're doing them. But what's the shift that you see that allows men to get out of that more? Not that we can be perfect in it, but to, to put themselves second, to put their family first and to quit focusing on their own pain and start focusing on serving the people they love.
Ryan: Okay.
So let's play in your world. With what you the quote, I don't can you repeat that for me? I love it. You said strong men all suffering No, but when you say for your podcasts, what is your mission? Your mission is what?
Franklin: Oh equip and encourage men to be the strong men the Loving husbands and the present fathers their families deserve Okay, so
Ryan: let's
Tanner: play
Ryan: where strength's at Because I don't believe that strength is an absence [00:22:00] of weakness.
And this would be like, well, that's, that's what strength is. Well, hang on. I think we can maybe replace weakness with imperfection, but it's the same thing. So strength is not our absence of weakness or imperfection. It is our pursuit despite it. Unwavering pursuit
Franklin: despite it, it's almost like to kind of correlate it, it's like courage is not the absence of fear.
It's the ability and the willingness to move and take action, even though the fear exists, right? So it's, it's, it's not like one or the other. It's that no, they're, they're both there at the same time. It's, yeah. If that, if that's a different way of looking at it,
Ryan: yes, I got a quote maybe a week ago now because I get a quote every day from God and make it happen and it said, I live as though I want to feel because if I wait to feel I'll never live.
So if I want to be strong, I live like I'm strong. [00:23:00] If I want to be brave, I act brave. If I want to be grateful, I act grateful. If I want to be loving and empathetic, I act loving and empathetic. I don't wait for the feelings. Now we're going, I, I have ADD so we go everywhere, but this is really, really fun because let's go back to suffering.
That suffering quote was so beautiful. And I have a different definition. I make up my definition since I don't read enough books, right? So semantics, but we won't. Let me give you a moment that I had. I used to feel that if Jesus walked into the room, he would be disgusted with me. I would want to hide under a rock.
I went like this, living like this for a long time. And I had this vision. Be it a vision or not, thinking about it, I don't know. But I got it. I mean, it's clear as day. And, uh, I'm in a dark room. Jesus walks in. I'm so [00:24:00] scared. I'm, I want to hide. There's nowhere to go. There's only those corners. It's like a naked room, right?
Like I'm, I'm just in there and he can see me. I mean, he's decked out. He's got his thorns on his head. You know, there's blood coming down. He's got his cross. Like we're straight up. Like it's, it's in it. And in his pain, he just looks at me and he smirks lovingly. And then he breaks a piece of his cross off and he hands it to me.
And it's like, thunk, it's all dense. And he goes, now you can walk with me. And I think about that and I know your guys pain. I know that pain where you feel like you're useless, unworthy, but that's where it goes back to that quote of though you feel your trauma is unique, it's not. And your story of seeing other people carrying their burden or their weight, focusing on them.
How do we do [00:25:00] that? This is how you remember your impact in the moment you want to compromise your values. Your values demand this ability to sit in discomfort. But how do I gain the desire to continue sitting in discomfort if I forget my impact? Because if I don't believe I have impact, I am not going to move forward.
So if I can take whatever I've done, whatever's been forced upon me, whatever that is random, um, That has made my life harder, and I don't like myself for it. If I can use imperfection that in that moment, I'm, I'm making, I'm deciding that imperfection defines me, right? That I'm not enough. I'm unworthy. If I can pivot in that moment, that moment right there, if I can [00:26:00] use it to connect with a brother who's in the same position, then I am carrying my cross.
I am called. That's the thing is I go, Oh, this is so inconvenient. I can't believe I've done this. No, no, no. You did. You were helping a man and you didn't even know it because he thinks he's in the dark and he's alone and you can wake him up now because he has similar imperfection. And so if that in that moment, if you can remember your impact, you don't miss it.
Franklin: And I think that's one of the greatest lies that ends up that we end up believing when we're in a space of shame. Is that we're the only miserable human on earth that that could have done what we've done and then that shame and then that belief that we're the only ones. And then that just separates us from the people that we need around us to to heal.
Ryan: [00:27:00] So I got another, I'm going to go into it and then we can go into, uh, yeah, I'm going to share this. Let's go for it. So I got another, I get, I'm weird. Okay. Visions. I got another one that I go through a lot. Dream this stuff. Okay. Digging. I'm digging. I'm digging. And it is deep and dark and cold and wide open.
Like I've dug this big hole. It's wide and I'm still digging. I can't stop. And I feel alone. And I know I'm digging. I can't, I can't see. And something happens and the lights turn on, but it isn't that the lights turned on. It's that my eyes open. I had my eyes closed. And it's not as ugly as I thought. It's actually pretty nice down here, but I look around and there's a bunch of men that I didn't know about.
I couldn't hear or see cause I had my eyes closed. Digging next to me and I'm still digging even though I have [00:28:00] my eyes closed like shit. This is awareness Oh, man, I this isn't as bad. I'm still doing it, you know, but I'm folk I'm starting to become aware of what's going on and then it's like folk I hit something and there's a guy's head below me and I go this guy's deeper than me Like I was I thought I was the worst and there's someone deeper than me And I'm like, wake up.
And I start shaking everybody and waking them up. And we realized that it was just our perception of where we were at. That was making it this hellish experience. And that if I had never been that deep, I would never be able to help that man that had gone that deep. And this is strength. For me, just like the man that wants to be brave.
I've never been in the military, so I'm talking out of my ass here. Please forgive me. I'd never been in this position. I don't know, but I would feel [00:29:00] like if I'm going over a trench and I'm scared as shit, you know, there's all these guys with me. Well, when my brother goes, I'm going right. And then I feel brave because he's going.
I do it first. And so if I don't ever act anymore in pursuit of worthiness, I create a system in my life, a habit in my life, Of the way I would like to feel I live that way first, so I can remember I'm worthy. And when I remember I'm worthy, I act like it. If I remember my impact in that moment of compromise, I don't miss anymore because it's for my brother that only I can save because I have that piece of the cross.
That's mine. That's a gift I can give to him. And that's how I become strong where I was once, once weak, that's how I can take a [00:30:00] moment where I used to think selfishly and defensively and self protection. I can take what once made me think selfishly and the same trigger will cause me to think selflessly.
Franklin: What do you see when men turn that corner? And, and they're able to get out of the space that they're in when they're, they, they come into the, uh, to the call or they come into the program and, and they're riddled with worthlessness and shame and all these things, right? And then they begin to pivot and they begin to turn.
What do you see change in them and what do you see change in their family?
Ryan: So now we're going, we're going to go through your process. So we define strength. Now we can go to husband and father, right? What's interesting is you talk about time, like how long does it take? Honestly, if you're listening to this podcast, it might, it might happen after you listen to this podcast.
Cause you're going to hear your worthiness. Some guys it's [00:31:00] one talk with me and their life's changed forever. And it isn't me, but it's because I helped them see their worthiness, build the skill to remember it during the dark times. And what does that do? So we can, we can play. What, what do you, well, we're going to go to father first.
Okay. Maybe a little bit. You fear your imperfection so much. You're so disgusted by it that you create, especially these successful guys that are, I mean, it's not like there's a level of disgust. I just mean, they, they found a way to sedate by winning, right? However, they say it, whatever you'd say it. Okay.
And they have these high expectations for themselves in one aspect of their life, but for their children, man, you're so scared of your imperfection that what do you do for your kids? High standards. Now, this can be discussed, but just bear with me. High [00:32:00] expectation. I create a household where we are less than perfect.
We do sports and music and we are obedient and we listen and we're respectful. We have manners. You want them to be better than you. Why you want them to be better than you because you hate your imperfection so much. And so what you're doing is impossible. You are attempting to create a perfect human.
You want it. To take longer, you're just postponing the inevitable. You're postponing the moment that they realize they're imperfect. And when you think you're helping them, you are hurting them because you're instilling the same habit that you have in yourself, the resentment of your imperfection and the moment.
They find it and it will happen. They will remember how you responded to it [00:33:00] and they will hate themselves and they will go into the pit better than creating these perfect humans. Why don't you hunt your imperfection daily in front of them and teach them how to respond to it, embrace it, build a relationship with it, lead with it, remember your impact in it.
That's how you create these unwavering children, in my perspective. Now you might go, okay, well, what does that look like? How do I respond to imperfection? You remember your impact. Okay. Yeah. You don't sound like that. That was kind of, uh, there was pride. No, it's really interesting. Interesting. Okay. Because it's pride on both sides.
The guys that are a low wherever you're at. I don't care if it's drug use. And you're stuck and you're sleeping with prostitutes. I don't care. You have pride. You hate your imperfection. You are the same man as the man who [00:34:00] is making a million dollars. Millions to hide his imperfection. You're the same man.
And usually when that man's alone, he is successful. He's successful assholes out there. When you're by yourself, I know you're doing that shit by yourself. You leverage your success to hide your imperfection externally because it's external validation, right? Well, by yourself, you can't hide it. You take your shirt off, you see it, you hate it.
And then you have to go sedate just like the guy who's like stubbing your toe lower on the mountain. And I bring this up because success and failure is the same moment. It is a moment. In which we are exposed to our imperfection and everyone's asking how we're going to respond to it It's a gift and I like this concept and I bring it up because How should I respond to either if I respond to success and failure the same way?
Oh I [00:35:00] found the man who can embrace his imperfection. Do you see because failure Is maybe forced upon you you you put too much weight on the bar You And then success, you got really strong, but you're putting too little weight on the bar. See, it is this, uh, avoidance of imperfection. So it's the same thing.
But if I proactively hunt failure every day, or if it's when it's exposed to me, when I don't choose it, I know how to respond to it. I still haven't given you that. What does that look like? Okay. We can play here. I don't live a disciplined life. I'm not a consistent man to feel more worthy. I am not a righteous man to feel more worthy.
I am a righteous man so that in the moment my imperfection is exposed to me, force caused, random, or hunted because I'm a savage, and I find it, I [00:36:00] remember my worthiness. I remember, in my perspective, that Jesus has paid for it. My righteousness helps me. It's like a radio frequency from God. This, this message, you guys will try to tell yourselves I'm worthy, which is a true statement, but you can't tell it to yourself.
You have to tune into the radio frequency by living like a savage. This is why I say you have to respond to failure like a savage. You have to respond to success like a savage. You have to live a disciplined life so you can hear the message that is already true. And if you can hear it, Going to the example of what happens to men when they come into the group when their wife shows them their imperfection, they're not surprised, they're not defensive, they just go, Oh, how am [00:37:00] I going to respond to this?
Right? I'm not defined. What happens if you don't feel unworthy when your wife's like, Hey, you're an asshole. You can listen.
If I feel worthy, despite my imperfection, what is exposed to me, I can be patient and loving and empathetic. When I have to do something that my values demand and not even have to, I want to because my values tell me to and my wife's like, I don't want you to do that. That's annoying for me because she resents her imperfection too.
She resents extra work. So when we show her her imperfections, she's going to let us know and vice versa. It's almost this battle of when we're not where we need to be. We battle to show each other our imperfection versus to fight to who can make each other feel more worthy. Now that doesn't mean people pleasing.
You people pleasers like me, I was the biggest asshole in the world [00:38:00] because I couldn't show any truth. And I'd get so defensive. Can't you see everything I do? Once I realized I was worthy or a man realizes he's worthy, he comes into this group and that's all I, my only goal is to get that. Like no matter where he's at, he's worthy.
Then in that, moment where he either has to make a change to support his wife because she's right, okay, or set a boundary and do what he needs to do as a man because it's his code. He can just empathize. He can just let her be angry and give her that gift because if you resent your own imperfection, guess what?
You sure as hell are going to resent the imperfection of your wife. What if, what if you could leave this podcast right now, just listening to this and you could believe that you are worthy, you would begin to live like the man who's worthy because you want to be [00:39:00] honest. So what do I mean by that?
Discipline for me is not achievement. Of outcome or worthiness. I don't care. I need to make this much money for my family so they can see how amazing I am. I'm not worth. You're already him. The story. You're already him. So why do I live discipline then? It's because that's true. That's I don't patronize my kids.
I can't be yo yo man. They won't trust me. So discipline is trust. And if I have trust when my Children doubt themselves when they when night arrives for them. And they come to me and they say, Dad, I really, I screwed up. I drank and I crashed a car. Dad, I got pregnant. I've ruined everything. I can just look at them and say, you're worthy.
And they might just believe me. Do you
Franklin: see the difference? I think when we [00:40:00] can set aside our pride to receive the truth that we are worthy. And I think pride is what keeps us from that. Then if we can accept the truth that we're worthy, I think we can begin to release the resentment we have towards ourselves.
And that you make such a good point that when we resent ourselves, we end up resenting other people. And we, you know, and especially, and that usually falls on our wife and children first. And when we do that, we project our own insecurities and our own resentments upon them, which is just passing on trauma, inconvenience.
And, and if we can, but if we can release all of that, then we can begin to embrace humility and simply be willing to be crushed in front of them, laid bare, set our ego aside, assume [00:41:00] responsibility, take accountability. And just, just like you said, like receiving your child, like when they're delivering You know, terrible news to you, can you, can you be in a place where you can just take them into open arms and say, Hey, I love you.
And it's not because you're perfect. And it's not because you haven't done something imperfect. I love you for who you are, but I can do that because I love me for who I am.
Ryan: That's right. You begin to heal. And that doesn't mean you can't set boundaries. Like we're so afraid of consequences because we think consequences define who we are.
We were so afraid of our imperfection that we ignore it versus. recognizing that our imperfection has impact on those ones, the ones we love.
Franklin: Yeah. It doesn't excuse behavior by any stretch, right? It doesn't, it doesn't mean that there's not responsibility and that there's not consequence that we must be accountable for.
But I don't think [00:42:00] that we can assume the consequence from a place of integrity. If we're stuck in pride and our own self hate and our own self resentment, Like if we, we have to release all that so that we can be humble and just take ownership, right? And not try to excuse it or, uh, or blame anything for it.
And then our family can feel loved.
Ryan: Exactly. Because what are we doing when we're upset when our kids do something that we don't want them to do? We're judging ourselves. We screwed up as a father, huh? They're so loud. They need to shut up. So we go, shut up. It's me. I want to shorten the timeframe for, for the outcome that I want.
That makes me feel like I get a behavior that makes me feel like a good dad versus. In the moment that I feel my imperfection is shown to me because my kid did something shitty I can show them how to respond to the imperfection that's been exposed to me They're not an [00:43:00] inconvenience. You guys make your kids and wife feel like an inconvenience Because you judge yourself on your relationship that you have with them But a relationship that is imperfect or maybe i'll put it this way every relationship And because I can never be perfect in my relationship, my relationship has infinite possibility, infinite progress.
It's the same concept. Keep it simple. It's beautiful. And so, but that doesn't, we can turn to this because we, that's fun with the present to have like, you can see how it fits. If I already, if I have to defend my, unworthiness or my imperfection, like I'm not going to be present. I'm not going to be proactive.
I'm going to give that kid, my kid of a look of disgust because of the extra work causes me because I resent my extra work. And then he guessed what? Because I give him extra work through my eyes. He hates extra work too. That's what I've taught him. So he's going to resent [00:44:00] me too, huh? Because the work has to get done.
Oh shit. Now, when I say the work has to get done, let's look at that because God demands 10, 000 pounds on the squat rack. And when you get there, it's a hundred thousand pounds, meaning it's impossible. He demands this. And so many of us, I remember thinking, I can't believe that I need a group to help me. I can't believe that I have to ask for help.
God damn it. You have to do the word. You have to do the work right now. You don't have time to progressively overload to 10, 000 pounds. You'll never make it. The point is reverse progressive overload. That's why we have imperfection that we can, we can connect with each other. So when I go to the squat rack and I'm like, okay, job, family, uh, whatever it is, business, all of it together, 10, 000 pounds.
Well, I have my brothers to lift the weight with me. And so they just slowly step away. [00:45:00] Until I can do it myself and I do the same for them. And then I increase the weight because it's not the pain. It's the pain is what connects me to my brothers. That's what allows them to grab the weight with me. And this concept is so powerful because we see that with Jesus.
Jesus is perfect. In Gethsemane, he's perfect, and yet he is demanded to a point where he goes and says, Pass this cub from me. A feeling of resentment, a feeling of, Do I have to do this? And what's different between himself and us as he shows us how to respond to it. Radical acceptance, just the temptation of maybe I could get out of this work or pain.
He remembers his impact. The world is on his shoulders, all of us. And he says, Thy will be done. [00:46:00] And there's symbolism here because in between his resurrection, where'd he go? Hell and preaches and saves. So he does the full extreme. I love this. What is empathy? You guys are like, okay, all right. So I'm learning to accept myself, my imperfection.
I don't resent it. I feel worthy. How do I emphasize? What does that even mean? Okay. I was here and I'm still practicing my definition of empathy. Is the ability to zoom all the way in or zoom all the way out meaning in high stakes moment the moment where you want to look at those boobs on the internet and it's against your values the moment where you want to drink that alcohol the moment you want to tell your wife don't can't you see all i do that moment you are the most important you are jesus You are the most important man in the world in that moment.[00:47:00]
Because of the weight, you remember your impact and you show up like you should. But we're imperfect beings. There's gonna be a moment like that where I, even though I remember my impact, I do, I just, the weight was too much and I fold. If I stay zoomed in where I was supposed to be Jesus, And I screwed up.
I'm going to hate myself. The shame is going to rush in. I have to be able to zoom out and recognize that I'm dust of the earth, that I'm on this little piece of sand in space. I don't even know where it is in space. How do I even know where I'm supposed to be? Like both statements are true. You have to be able to be.
Or understand that you have all your value you'll ever have to play in this world. In my perspective, I say things like they are. I actually can't cite any sources on any of this. [00:48:00]
Franklin: We're all just a work in progress. Damn straight. No matter where we are, even if someone's been doing the work for a long time, we're still just a work in progress.
Like there's no, finish line. There's no end point. There's no, you know, even thinking about, okay, well, if I do enough work, I'm gonna be good enough. Perfect enough. Whether you're at the beginning of the race, middle or the end, like if you're just worthy where you are and if you're like receiving God's grace and moving forward in humility to simply try to love your family to the best of your God given ability.
That's the goal, not to construct some, some image to the world where, okay, I finally made it. And everyone thinks them, you know, that I'm good enough. It's like, no, you just, you, you got to accept that brokenness and you're going to You just got to wake up every day and continue [00:49:00] to, to move forward, trying to love your family to the best of your ability.
Ryan: Yeah, and the beauty in that is that all those things that you've ever wanted, Those arrive because of the behaviors and habits that you create when you understand you're worthy. It's just the problem is these silly statements that people regurgitate, like when the pain of change is Less than the pain of your current circumstance.
That's selfish to me. I don't want to escape the pain. That makes me a bitch. Like, no, I want to remember my impact. The moment you remember your impact is the moment that you begin to change. We got to stop trying to avoid the work. That's not, and it's, you're not, but when you, what's so funny is I said all this tough stuff, but even if you fail and [00:50:00] avoid the work, Then you have a moment to respond to your imperfection to inspire somebody.
There's never a place that you're, you're not of use. You can lead from behind or in front. Hey, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You can be a leader right now. And I, I love that so much. It's just, if I want, I want to walk into the room and I tell you what, I want everything. Like I want to have the most money.
I want to be shredded. I want to just be jacked because it represents something to me. I want my wife to see me to come and touch my abs and have that represent the worthiness that she feels in my presence. The willingness I have to sacrifice myself for my family. I want that. I want to have amazing sex with my wife.
I want it all. But most important is [00:51:00] usually a man who has that, all of it. His best skill is to help himself feel or remember his worthiness. in the moments, the dark moments of his life. That's what I want most. Because I can help, because if I can do that, I can be selfless. If I need, we go into another concept.
Can't help it. Running out of time, but this one is so beautiful. Okay. Let me, uh, the ability to sit in discomfort is discipline in my perspective. And I actually don't call any pain or discomfort or trauma. I don't call that suffering. I like suffering. Suffering for me is meaningful pain. Purposeful pain.
I suffer like Jesus. That's what I look forward to. And the reason why I bring that up is because Because if I can [00:52:00] suffer infinitely, I can serve my wife and children infinitely because I never have to think selfishly. If I can suffer infinitely, I can be exposed to whatever truth, as much truth as required.
And I can still remember my worthiness. The man who can suffer needs less. I'm not needy. The man who needs less can be willing. I just want to be willing. I want to demonstrate, I want to consecrate my day to be, I'm willing. Whatever it is, radical acceptance. This is my cup. But what's really interesting is that if I'm not, If I don't have this ability to suffer, then what happens?
I am needy. And the man that needs from his wife or needs from his children or needs from life or needs, whatever it is, if I need, then I can be manipulated by the external, my [00:53:00] behavior changes. I'm not who I am. I am my needs, meaning that if I can learn to suffer more, the more I suffer, the less I need, the more I discover about myself because I can't be manipulated.
So I have values I haven't even discovered yet because I can't suffer enough yet. Right? It's like they're stacked. And if I need nothing and I can't be manipulated by the external, I find out what I truly want. And for me right now, that's for you listening to know that you're worthy, you can do it. And when I.
screw up, I'm going to try to respond the best I can because I know the pain and the shame that surrounded me when I didn't understand I was worthy.
Franklin: Beautifully said. Ryan, this has been a pleasure. Thank you. If, [00:54:00] uh, as always, if someone wanted to connect with you, if you spoke to somebody today that is hurting that they could use somebody to call, how would they, uh, how would they get in touch with you?
Ryan: Uh, probably easiest is, uh, world's greatest hype man. That's my, it's world's underscore greatest underscore hype man on Instagram. You can just DM me. I don't know if I earned that title, uh, on this call, uh, but I'm, I'm here. I really care. So reach out anytime.
Franklin: Yeah. I mean, with all you shared, all you, uh, all you said that, uh, that should come through and ring true.
Man, thank you very much for your time. Thank you for your perspective and, uh, and just sharing some of your value today with us. If you're listening to this, I hope you got a lot out of it. Go today and just do the work to be a strong man, a loving husband, a present father. Know that you are worthy. When [00:55:00] you fail, do the work to get back up.
Uh, just accept the responsibility and the accountability. Be humble, give yourself some grace, receive some grace, and just keep going, men. Keep going. Don't quit. That's all we got for today.
Ryan: Respond to failure like a savage.
Franklin: Go ahead. And with that, we are done for today. Thank you.
Tanner: We ask that if you found value in this, that you subscribe to the podcast and share with someone that you think would find value in this as well.
Franklin: If there's a man that, you know, who would benefit from this, please share it with them. We want to get these messages and these tools and resources out to as many men as we can so that marriages can be thriving, families can heal. So kids have great dads so that wives have great husbands and one man at a time in this world we can make a [00:56:00] difference.