Franklin: [00:00:00] Right now, the world needs great men who will stand up and lead with honor, serve with purpose and courageously fulfill their God given roles as husbands, fathers, leaders, and men. I'm your host, Franklin Swan, bringing you practical tools and powerful conversations you can use every day to build yourself into the man God is calling you to be.
This is the world needs men. Let's go.
All right. Welcome. Welcome. Back to the world needs men podcast. I'm your host today, Franklin Swan. And, uh, I'm really excited about my guest. My friend Casey Foster is joining me on the show today. We've got a, uh, just a really cool conversation plan that both of us have been looking forward to for a while.
And Casey and I are in a community group [00:01:00] together, uh, have been doing life together for some time and, uh, and just really excited to have him on the show, hear his story, share both of our stories. As it relates to our particular topic today and Casey, welcome to the show, man.
Casey: Thank you, Franklin. I really appreciate you inviting me on.
I've told you this before. I respect you. I'm so glad that you've become a bigger part of my life over the past few years. Uh, really look up to your leadership when it comes to the stuff that's on your podcast, the, the being a better leader for your family, being a better husband, being a better father.
So I appreciate you having me on.
Franklin: Absolutely, man. It's an honor. Well, I'm going to start off today sharing a story and then Casey is going to get into his story because we both have in a way the same story, but they're also coming from two different from two different angles. So in let's see here on Easter Sunday of 2023, I woke up and told [00:02:00] myself no more.
I'm done. And what I said no more and done to was alcohol. It's, it's interesting. Most people, when I tell them that I've stopped drinking or that I haven't drank now in over a year. So this, this podcast is really just a reflection on a celebration of in a, in a sharing of a journey. Both of us, both of us have been on over the past year of just deciding to remove alcohol from our lives.
And we're going to come at it from two different angles. And for me, when people hear that, they're, they're like, did you have a drinking problem? And I said, well, not the way you would typically think of it. So for me, what I had come to realize was I would have a couple of drinks, a couple of times a week.
Usually it would be say date, not on Friday. And then maybe a couple of beers while I'm, I'm grilling out on Saturday. And what I would find is that by Sunday, The effect of that alcohol on me the day or two after [00:03:00] was to trigger huge amounts of stress and anxiety. And so on, on Sunday, here I am wanting to be present and playful and, and just, uh, you know, spend that time with family and enjoying the day.
Uh, I would be in my head, ruminating, stressed out, anxious about the next day and really just disconnected from my family. And, and so I woke up on that Easter Sunday. And I had that feeling. I had that feeling of being anxious and and just disconnected and I can just feel it. And I was so tired of being like that.
And it was so obvious to me that there was this pattern of that happening in my life. And I finally woke up and I thought of all days that I want to be present and connected with my family. Here it is Easter Sunday. All right. And here's, here's how I feel. And I just thought, I just refuse to tolerate this in my life anymore.
It does not serve me. It is not helping me. And, and all it's doing is disconnecting [00:04:00] me from my family. And so I just decided right then and there, I was like, I'm, I'm just done. And so as of this recording today, I have a little app and I track every day, how many days it's been since I stopped drinking today is day 398.
So a couple of months, you know, or, you know, a few weeks ago, I hit my one year. Casey, you hit yours. I know a couple of weeks ago too, and we'll hear your story, but man, I was talking to my wife the other day and she was telling me, and she's told other people, this has been the year of. Of us having more connection of me being more present on the weekends of me being more just calm and and happy and and having a good attitude and being a better person to be around than we've ever had just because for me, alcohol was this thing that just did not work well with with my body's chemistry and how it's made up.
And so now. I've [00:05:00] removed that and experienced a whole different, uh, quality of life. And so Casey, I want you to share your, your, uh, experience with it. But the first thing, if you're listening to this and maybe you don't drink alcohol at all, maybe you have a problem with alcohol. Maybe you're, you haven't even thought about whether alcohol is something that's impacting your life.
What we really hope from this is that we give you a couple of different perspectives just to think through and some questions that we're going to ask or that we're going to present to ask. At the end of this show, that's really, I think, going to help you gain some clarity around, uh, alcohol and it's honestly, it's anything that we sedate with, right?
So it doesn't have to be alcohol. Uh, maybe it's smoking. Maybe it's, maybe you're on prescription drugs. Maybe it's porn that you're hiding. Maybe it's, you know, playing video games, just anything that we use to disconnect is something that, that negatively impacts us. And so you, you can take alcohol and and [00:06:00] remove alcohol and put anything else back in.
And we're going to help you ask a really powerful question to really understand whether or not that thing in your life is beneficial or not. And so we're going to get to that. But first, um, Casey, I'm really excited to hear your story and you just take all the time you need to, uh, to kind of unfold all that for us and share what, uh, what you've experienced.
Casey: Okay. So yeah, I've, my experience is a lot different from Franklin's. I had a severe drinking problem that culminated in, I would say September of 2022, where that's about the time I hit my rock bottom, I would say I would start there. And even then I didn't stop drinking until April of 2023. It was a couple of weeks after Franklin stopped, I guess if he's on day 398, I'm on day 383, somewhere around there.
So that April 23rd. They I'll never forget because I baptized my daughter. And then I immediately went back home to [00:07:00] celebrate and got drunk. And the connection that I felt when I baptized my daughter, it was a, it was three different beings coming together at once. In that moment, it was me, it was her, and it was God.
And I remember sitting in the crowd afterwards and the song oceans by Hillsong United was what they played that day. And I've heard that song. A million times, right? And for whatever reason, I just felt this, this rush, this high that I've never felt in my life in that moment. So, so much that it like I broke down in that moment and I immediately went home and tried to ruin that moment by getting drunk.
So, I immediately went home, started drinking, we had all our family in town, we were celebrating and that's, that's just what I do. And then the next day I woke up and I realized two different things. One, I can get the, a bigger [00:08:00] high, a much more fulfilling high from God. And two, I don't ever want to drink again.
Like I don't need that anymore. And one, because of that, and two, because I was so embarrassed that I had done that. And selfishly tried to, I guess, take some of the luster off of a day that wasn't mine. It was my daughter's day. She was getting baptized. It was a big deal for her. And you know, looking back, even being able to put myself in that position was a step in the right direction.
And at that point. At that point, all I wanted to do was keep taking steps to become better. And I've been ignoring the biggest, I guess, default in that progression this whole time, which was consuming too much alcohol, relying on that to be a security blanket. I thought that I could become [00:09:00] closer to God and still do that.
I thought I could go to counseling and air out all my issues in there and feel better about myself and still drink. And it took that kick in the nuts to realize that I had to stop doing that in a, in order to be the man, the father, the husband that I needed to be. And that's the short version. That was a compounding, just, it was years of a bunch of stuff compounding on top of each other and me, you know, pushing down.
Problems, pushing down problems, pushing down problems over 15 years of, of being an adult or of having, being a father and 10 years of being a husband. And just that weight became too much for me over really 2022. That was the, that was the year that, uh, that my drinking went to [00:10:00] another level. I was in oil and gas business development at the time.
So not only was, you Was I drinking more, but I was also alone going to see a customer getting told no, half the time going to see another customer getting told no, getting back in the truck, being alone and not being able to speak about that to anybody and. It just, it led to, it led to days where I would, I had a breathalyzer in my truck so I could drink a beer on the way to see a customer and make sure I was under the legal limit in case I got pulled over.
That's as bad as it had gotten for me in September of 2022. And about the same time we started doing The Forgotten God. In our Bible study, and it was literally the last resort, like [00:11:00] I would, I had tried everything else possible to not have to develop that relationship with God because that was going to be hard.
I was going to have to, you know, Admit that I was doing a lot of bad stuff, you know, like a lot of internal damage to myself that it wasn't other people doing it to me. It was me. And, but it was, that was it. That was the last resort for me. And so when we started that. I gave it a shot. I started praying more.
I started praying longer. I started talking to God during the day when I felt like those feelings, lack of confidence, feeling alone, feeling like I wanted to have a drink. And I hadn't stopped drinking at this point, obviously. I really dialed it back to weekends. And. But I was still getting just trashed when I did drink.
So, you know, but it made me feel better because I was like, well, at least I'm not drinking during the [00:12:00] day anymore, you know? And so giving that a shot made me realize, looking back, not, not in the moment, but looking back on it. And at the end of the week, at the end of the month, it made me realize that I was making subconsciously better decisions.
And so it gave me more confidence that I could develop that relationship and it started the process of, of me getting to the point where I could even baptize my daughter. Because if she had asked me six months earlier to do that, it, I wouldn't have been able to do it. And so, you know, God's timing's just.
incredible in that, in that aspect, but, but I still hadn't stopped drinking at that point. And that's kind of where this story led up to. That was the culmination. That was the realization that I needed to stop drinking. And that was, that period from September to April, I learned a lot [00:13:00] about myself, um, developing the relationship with God.
And, you know, I even thought during that time that I was going to be able to, to pull it off. I was going to be able to have that relationship, be a better husband and father and not have to stop drinking. And then that April 23rd, 2023 happened when I had one of the best moments of my life. And I tried to ruin it.
I tried to kill it. by getting drunk and, you know, having my daughter see me like that, like looking back, it's just, it's, it's, I was embarrassed. And that wasn't obviously the only reason I stopped drinking, but it was like, it was the punch in the face. Like you've said before, why do we need to do that? Do have that punch in the face to be able to realize what we're doing is wrong or realize We cannot choose our own path, [00:14:00] I guess you could say, like God has chosen that if alcohol is getting in the way, it needs to be eliminated.
And that's kind of the realization I came to that day. So that's my a bit more long winded story. about why I stopped drinking.
Franklin: That's a man. That's a really powerful story. And that's just to think about baptizing your daughter on that day and just having that guilt, right? That comes on when, when you do start drinking like that.
And I'm curious, like, uh, and I haven't, I haven't I don't think I remember you telling me about the breathalyzer. Is that something that anyone, did anyone know that? Yeah.
Casey: Not even Candace. Yeah. She's, she might be a little upset with me when she hears this, but, but it's true. Like I, I, um, I would get so nervous, even though I had done it a million times.
It was, it was, it was different now. Right. It was different because all the stuff that I had pushed [00:15:00] up. So at 22, I had two kids had to start working. Yeah. Uh, earlier, you know, had to become an adult quicker. Didn't really have any time to kind of, to figure, find my own path. Like it was set for me and I'm, I'm totally happy.
I love my kids to death, you know, wouldn't want it any other way now, but it just made stuff harder for me at the beginning. So I feel like. In a way, I had a midlife crisis a little bit earlier than normal people, and it just the weight of everything over from age 22 to age 36 had just taken over everything in my life.
And the only. Way that I could just check out because I had tried other ways I'd tried, you know, anxiety medication, depression medication, harder drugs, weed. I tried everything. [00:16:00] And the only thing that, that, uh, made me feel not better, just numb to everything was drinking. And one of the ways that I, you know, you make excuses.
To, to yourself that this, this is what you need to be doing. And one of the excuses I made was I'm not an angry drunk, so I could drink and I could still be, you know, cause I wasn't angry. I was still being a good father and a good husband. When in reality, I was You know, I, I was, I wasn't angry at anybody.
I wasn't harming anybody, but I wasn't present either. And that's the big takeaway from that. Like I would, you know, sit on the couch and watch TV or just do my own thing really, and not be present in with Candace and not be present with the kids. There's, there's plenty of stories where I told you the breath of Lazarus, even if you [00:17:00] keep your, I guess.
You keep under the legal limit. It still has a negative effect on your body. That's another excuse. I try to tell myself, well, as long as I, like, if I drink one beer before a meeting and, uh, have another one an hour later when I'm down to like 0. 2 percent or 0. 02%, and it goes back up to 0. 06, I'm still good.
Right. I'm not drunk, but the negative effect it had on my body. Would catch up to me to where, I mean, I remember one time Candace, and this is another thing that only she knows, but Candace found me passed out in our closet, in our bathroom, our closets, through our bathroom, I had locked the bathroom door and I had every intention on just taking a shower and, you know, enjoying our evening, but instead, you know, I don't know how long I was in there, but I woke up to her [00:18:00] standing down on me, like with this look on her face, like she, I don't know if she thought I was dead or what, but just a look for it.
Just one of those looks that just goes right through you, you know, and I would think she'd be terrified. I'm sure she was. Yeah. And it was, that was embarrassing, you know, and then I tried to play it off. Like I was just tired and it was, it wasn't it at all, but because I thought that I was still sober while doing this, I didn't realize that it was having that effect on my body, you know, because I was still coherent, but then it would catch up to me.
to where, you know, I had no, my just sense of anything would be, uh, pass out in the bathroom. So, uh, stuff like that was stuff that, that I started when I started, I guess building that relationship with God, that is stuff that I [00:19:00] started like really taking a hard look at, obviously like, yeah, that probably is an issue, but I just need to cut back.
Yeah. I don't need to quit. I just need to cut back.
Franklin: I can still keep it in my life and I can just tuck it away and manage. I can manage this. I can, I can deal with it. I can handle it. And it's really not that big of a deal. And I, you know, what you're making me think about is just how great men are lying to themselves and convincing themselves of their own BS.
And, you know, and then you look at it from the outside or then, or down the road when you get some clarity on it and you're like, That was just a big lie. You know, it's like, that's, that's, I mean, how could I have believed the story I was telling myself? And, you know, I think if, if there's an honest man listening to this podcast, we have always, all of us have probably found ourselves in that space where we have convinced ourselves that something is, that it's [00:20:00] okay, that we can manage it, that we can deal with it, that it's not that bad.
And, and the reality is, is we're just believing our own BS.
Casey: Yeah. And I, I mean, I have a million other stories I could, I could go into about, you know, just looking back, like, what was I thinking? I mean, there's family members that that's what we did when we got together. We just got blackout drunk and you know, there's some of the ones that didn't believe me when I said I'd stop drinking.
Like I, Like, okay, Casey, you know, like whatever. And then it took, you know, six months later, they're like, wait, you still hadn't had a drink. And I'm like, no man, like I'm serious about this. I don't. And at that point I'm like, I don't plan on drinking ever again. You know, in a way it was annoying that I was like, nobody believed me at first, but once they realized that, that it was real, like I had, I've had people start asking questions, like How did you [00:21:00] do it?
You know, what steps did you take that kind of stuff? And at that point, it's like, okay, maybe I can help some people out if I start being a little more vulnerable, a little more vocal, I guess you could say about it. And I'm used to leading by example, I'm not a very vocal person. I've become one out of necessity over the past decade.
But when it comes to yourself, you know, especially as a man, it's hard to, to open up about that kind of stuff. And it's really hard to, to open up about that kind of stuff with another man that is one of your peers that you've known for ever that, that you've hid. A lot of that stuff from, and when I started doing that, you know, the response you get is just nothing like you would, it's not what you expected.
Mm-Hmm. It's a much more, they get much more vulnerable as well. Instead of, you know, you think when you go into to [00:22:00] opening yourself up, you think it's gonna lead to, I, I guess not them making fun of you. Mm-Hmm. , but, you know, kind of putting you off and, and you're not a real man, all that kind of. That's what was going through my head at the time.
And it just, it It turned into something completely different.
Franklin: Yeah, I want to connect some dots here and pick something apart that I think is really important to recognize because, you know, men, I think we can get to a place with anything, you know, again, it could be alcohol, it could be something else.
And we get to this moment where we're like, how did we even get here? You know, how did I allow it to get to this place or to go this far? And what's interesting, you think about we live in a, uh, in very much an alcohol culture. I mean, it's just, it's very prevalent in, you know, whether you go out to dinner or go to a party, you know, whatever the case may be, typically there's alcohol there.
So like, follow me on this. A lot of us start off drinking. I don't know when you started, but like [00:23:00] I started drinking when I get high school and then you move on to college. And at the time you really don't have much responsibility and you know, maybe you enjoy it. Maybe it's just based on peer pressure, but it's, there's, it's much more of just a fun thing to do.
And there's not a whole lot of consequences because you don't have a job, you're not married and you don't have kids. But so then we, we take that. Habit and we carry it on out and we continue it. We turn 21, we get a little bit older and then all of a sudden we get a career and then we all of a sudden we get married and then we have kids and the pressure begins to build and the responsibilities grow and then what was used and I think this is a subconscious thing that we don't even realize.
it happens. We stop using that alcohol is just a fun thing to do with our buddies. And all of a sudden it becomes that thing that we use to numb out and suppress pain and and deal with pressure. and deal with stress related to the [00:24:00] realities of just being a man with responsibilities for a family and for a career and all the stuff we have to do.
And so then you look up in this, this thing that was fun has turned into something that's a sedation tool and a suppressor. And then because you add career and family to it, It begins to diminish your ability to show up at work and be creative and do a good job. It separates you emotionally and mentally from your family.
It disconnects you spiritually. And if, if you're a man of faith, and so it kind of evolves over time into this thing that it started one way and it ends another. And so I think if I think back at how, you know, how we get to these spaces, it's just this thing that was carried forward that was the same all along.
But all of these elements on the other side changed and the dynamic of our life changes. And then you look up in this place and you're like, wow, this thing that I started maybe all the way back in high school is now sabotaging. [00:25:00] Like the life I want to live and the responsibilities I want to be able to live up to and I didn't even realize all this was happening all along.
Casey: Totally right. And I think it's the, it just, it's night and day looking back on this past year and you know, it's hard. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not just so the drinking. Yes, that was hard to stop. But the hardest thing was like, I gotta quit like hating myself. Cause that's where it, that's where it had led to.
And that's, you know, vicious cycle of just hating what I was doing. And it was because I was drinking still, but. In order to mask that hate, I drink.
Franklin: And then it's like, I drink because I hate myself and I hate myself because I drink.
Casey: Exactly.
Franklin: Right.
Casey: And it's just, that's, that's such a hard cycle to stop. And I know there's people out there [00:26:00] that know exactly what I'm talking about.
Like it is hard to stop, but if you're thinking, That's something you're experiencing, then it's probably something you're experiencing and you need to stop because it is a vicious cycle and it's led to much more serious situations than I was lucky like, you know, I've ever had suicidal thoughts or anything like that.
I did have the thoughts where, you know, Maybe everybody else in my life would be better off without me at certain points, never like a serious though, thought about, about killing myself, but that's what it could lead to if it keeps going, if it keeps going down that path.
Franklin: And you're not the only man that I have spoken to that has gone down this path of alcohol and had that thought.
Right. And so I think one of the dangerous things that, that men run into is this idea that we're all alone, that we're the only, you [00:27:00] know, you're Sorry, S. O. B. Out there who could be dealing with this and struggling with it and everybody else has got their act together and everything figured out. And the reality is, is every one of us struggles with something that we have struggled with something.
We are struggling with something. We will struggle with something. And so just recognizing that If you've had that thought of man, maybe my family would be better off without me. Like that's a lie that is very common to men who are struggling with something and, and to know that you're not alone in it.
And then hopefully that, you know, even me sharing that will take away some of its power. Cause man, talk about one of the greatest, uh, one of the most destructive lies men believe, which is the world would be better off without me. And if you look at suicide rates, just to hit on that real quick, 80 percent of suicides are men.
Eight out of 10 people who commit suicide are men. And so it is a massive problem for, for, uh, for men and something we got to [00:28:00] recognize and something we've got, you know, when you open up and you can be vulnerable and share with another man like Casey is, and just, and being real, you realize that other men are struggling with the same thing and it takes the power away from those stories that we believe.
Casey: Right. And, you know, the answers, obviously that's not true. Like the world needs you, your family needs you, your kids need you. And if, but if you're, if you're drunk all the time, that's, it's, you're never going to think that. And the other thing is, I try to stay off social media as much as possible these days, because it's just, it's a bunch of fake stuff.
And if you, you know, if you're scrolling through Facebook half the day, you're going to, that's just going to make it worse. And not only because people only post the best stuff on, on social media, but also because you're not going to feel like you can talk to. Any of those people, because they have their stuff together, like you said, in [00:29:00] reality, you need to like, I want to be somebody that people feel like they can open up to about this kind of stuff.
And I know you do too, but there needs to be more people out there that are willing to be vulnerable. On the other side to share their story to somebody. And I think the social media culture puts a pretty big damper on that. These days, the aloneness that you just spoke of. I know I felt that that was one of the biggest issues I had was not, was thinking I was the only person, the only alcoholic in the world.
The only, you know, the only unsuccessful in my own terms. In the, you know, everybody else has their life together, has their career together, like you said. And I felt that way, you know, I felt I was the only one that didn't. So it's in it. And I've spoken to other men that, uh, have made me realize that's not true, obviously, but that's what it might take for some people to not feel that way.
But you have to be willing. [00:30:00] to be vulnerable. And that's a big issue with men because of how we were raised. And that's something else that I see, I've seen myself do with my own kids that I'm trying to correct now, because, you know, they don't, if you raise them to be tough and, and just suppress everything, then that's what they're going to do someday and it's going to lead to something like this.
Yep. You know,
Franklin: did you experience a, a bit of an identity crisis? And I know I, when I stepped into just removing alcohol from my life, there was a piece of me that was like, wow, I've been I've actually got to construct for myself a new identity when it comes to this, even though the way I experienced it and the way I came at it was different than you, it still felt like I had to go through a bit of a transformation in just And who I am around it and becoming, I mean, it's, it's scary to step into a space of being that guy at the party at the event or [00:31:00] whatever.
Uh, I even early on went on a four day men's trip and I was the only one there not drinking. And, and I want to say real quick, like, I don't have a problem with drinking and I don't want this to be a, a podcast where we're just bashing that because that is the last thing like that, that I want it to be.
It's more of of us getting to this question. We're going to ask in a minute that I think is really going to tee it to the whole thing up, put a bow on this. But I had to go through a process of just kind of reforming in my mind who I am around this. And that was a difficult process for me. I don't know if you experienced that.
Casey: Yes, obviously, because I was the Life, you know, uh, alcohol is the social lubricant. So anytime in a social, social situation, I would get drunk and I would be the life of the party. And especially around family, uh, that was expected of you. You know what I mean? It was expected that we were going to [00:32:00] stay up all night drinking when we were with each other.
It was expected that I was always going to have a beer in my hand at You know, networking events and stuff like that as well. And, you know, yeah, when people start seeing you without it and start questioning that you start questioning if you're making the right decision too. And yeah, it did lead to, to sort of an identity crisis, but looking back just this past year.
I've accomplished more than I had accomplished career wise, you know, husband wise relationship with God wise than I had in my entire adult life. So yes, I did a crisis. Yes, but it turns out it was for, you know, a good, it was a good thing. I'm glad I went through it looking back hindsight's 2020, but it's, you know, the, the clearest 2020 vision I've had.
ever. I can see [00:33:00] the progress I've made and it's, I am a new person, I feel, but it's the, the best possible version of myself that I could ever imagine. And I've, it's, it's really just taking my, taking every aspect of my life to, to just a level when you're drunk, you never think you It's,
Franklin: it's interesting.
Cause I know that over the past year, The things I've experienced, uh, more connection and presence with my family. I am way more calm in my business. And even on days when it's really tough, stressful dealing with a big problem, the amount of clarity and just presence I feel is, is significantly better. I know that if I was still drinking, this podcast wouldn't exist, hands down, like there's, there's no way I would have been able to step into the challenge of doing this.
And Sundays are one of the best days of the week because I'm not dealing with a [00:34:00] night before when I was having a couple of beers and dealing with that. But here's the flip side. That's, that's also kind of the tough thing to. to look at. Like I've had some of the greatest joys this year, but I've also gone through some of my most painful moments this year.
And when you don't drink, that means that you get to sit there and experience every ounce of the pain you're dealing with in that moment. But, you know, men, I don't think we're built to run from our pain. We're built and what is, what does it look like to be resilient and disciplined and hang in there for our family?
It's the ability and the willingness to sit there and take it and to walk through it and to not numb it out. sedate it, suppress it and try to get away from it, you know, which is really selfish when you think about it. And so I've been grateful that I was in a place this year with the good and the bad that I've gone [00:35:00] through, that I could fully experience the good.
I just really soak it in and then for those moments that were bad, I could fully learn the lesson or I could fully appreciate what someone else was going through too, because I was able to just feel the whole thing and I didn't have the excuse or the opportunity to just go and get out of it and check out for a little bit.
even if that was to have one drink. And so it's, uh, it's an interesting thing to step into because it's, it's all the good, but then the, the bad is, is also amplified in a way that, that is not bad, but it's, it's profound. And it's, I think a big part of how life needs to be like, we need to be able to step into painful moments without resorting to ways of suppressing that pain.
Cause otherwise we, we miss the opportunity. To grow and to learn from it and to have that be a an experience that changes us for hopefully [00:36:00] for the better.
Casey: Yeah, that's the different perspective you have in situations like that is is something I've noticed as well because he had life isn't always, you know, there's a lot more bad than good out there in the world.
Um, there's a lot more times when you have wives and kids. that you're going to need to be present. There's going to be a lot more opportunities for pain when it, you know, when they're experienced it, the more people you care about experiencing it, the more it's, you know, uh, you'll have to deal with that.
And that's something that, that I was never good at being able to be present for them and to say the right thing or just be there to support them. When they needed me to because I would drink and you know, it's really easy, really easy to go that route, right? That's the easy route. The hard route is [00:37:00] doing the right thing for yourself, for your family.
It's the, the, once you do that, once you go through that yourself. The fulfillment, the benefit from doing that makes it all worth it, but it is the hard thing to do. It's always going to be the hard thing to do. You know, not drinking in times like that, not finding some sort of crutch to make it easier to check out.
And, but you've talked about on your podcast, a bunch of different ways, a bunch of different little habits that you can develop. To kind of take over those habits, those bad habits. And, um, so I encourage everybody to listen to the rest of Franklin's podcast, but cause I have, I've listened to most of them and they're, they're all fantastic.
And, and that's, that's something that, that I've tried to do more of as well. Cause it does help out like replacing [00:38:00] those bad habits, replacing those subconscious bad thoughts. With subconscious good thoughts through daily habits, like the breathing, like the praying stuff that just doesn't sound fun at first, but when you start doing it, you just immediately start feeling better.
You know, it's, it's, like I said, it's subconscious.
Franklin: You just don't even realize it. You know, the reality is removing alcohol from your life. That may be one of the most challenging things you ever do because it can just grip you, right? It's got, it can get its claws into you depending on how deep you are in it.
And it can be one of the most challenging things to get rid of. And you know, not one of the things to do. And when I think one of the things that's helpful and it depends on where you are, like if you're listening to this and you just need to get a couple of beers out of your life, okay, if you're at the other end of the spectrum and you've got a serious problem, you may need real like professional help and there's all kinds of resources out there for it.
But, [00:39:00] you know, a few things that you bring to mind, Casey, number one is the one of the best ways to end a bad habits to replace it with a different habit. I remember, you know, I mean, I used to smoke in high school and in college. And I think back to who I was then. It's like, well, how to stop doing that?
Well, I started running marathons and it's kind of hard to be a marathon runner when you're in smoke at the same time. And so, you know, replacing what a bad habit with a good habit is is a way to fill that void. Because if you don't replace it with anything, then you've just got that empty space. And that's really tough.
The other thing that I think I was or I know I was late to the to the game on And it would have helped me much more earlier on was finding other men that I could share and be real with this with and could lock arms with, you know, and I think having a, having a, even one man that you can open up to that, you know, is going to have your back and is going to be supportive of [00:40:00] you and your journey to be a better person.
Uh, just a fantastic husband, father, leader and man is going to be one of the most beneficial things you can do. And someone who was going to be there to hold space when you fall down, someone who's going to be there to help pick you back up, someone who's, who's going to be there to cheer you on when you're winning.
You know, I think. One of the most powerful things we need to do, men, is get around more men who are trying to be great men and there's just immense strength and help in that. And so I just thought that would be helpful to add.
Casey: For sure. I fully believe it's cliche, but you are who you surround yourself with.
And if you're surrounding yourself with a bunch of people who want to go get drunk at the bar every day, that's what you're going to do. You know, um, if you want to not be an alcoholic, don't surround yourself with alcoholics. Thanks. And like you said, finding other men, the, the thing you said about, uh, be finding people who will encourage and root for you.
That's a big
Franklin: deal. Well, you can [00:41:00] aspire to be where they are. Yeah. You know, I'm going to rapid fire a few things real quick that come to mind. You know, if you, if you make the decision to remove anything from your life, that is, that is holding you back right now, you will build in yourself a massive amount of confidence.
Like the ability like a year later to walk into a room and you don't need that drink or you don't need that thing like that will build men a huge sense of confidence. You'll be able to connect to your family better. I know thinking over the past year of a few of the things that I'm the most proud of that you probably wouldn't typically think of.
But when I think about it. I have not had to hire one Uber because I was not in a place where I could drive. I've been able to drive my wife to and from date nights and be totally present and totally have complete mental clarity and ability. And I know that for me, I'm doing my, I'm fulfilling my responsibility as a husband to protect [00:42:00] her.
And to show up for her and lead and love her the best possible way I can. And part of that's been through the self sacrifice of, Hey, I'm going to stop drinking. Right. But I'm super proud of that. Like the, uh, my son, the other night had a buddy spend the night and, uh, we all go to sleep. And then they came into my room and woke me up at about 11 o'clock and said, Hey, you know, his, his friend's stomach hurt.
Right. Well, if I had, allowed myself to have a couple of drinks that night, I would have had some level of impairment and being able to take care of them. But I was totally clear. And so we were able to hop in the car and I drove him back home at 11 o'clock at night. And I am proud of the fact that I could be called on 24 7 right now.
And I know that I'm gonna have the ability to show up in the way that they need. And so something you and I talked about one day at lunch and connected this and I want to present this. I don't have anything to back this up. And women, you may tell me that I'm totally wrong on this, but men, I'm gonna I'm gonna present this idea.
If we are drunk, if we drink too [00:43:00] much, then there is a piece of our wives who resents us because now they have to step in and fill the protector gap that we are responsible for filling for our families. And you know, people can take and get all pissed about what I just said. But like, just consider when you're not 100 percent on point that some level of your spouse has to fill that gap.
And men, I believe that we are called to be protectors and providers of our family. Regardless of what the, the society and, and, and, uh, the media and everything says these days. Like that is a God-given responsibility that we have. And when we're present and when we're sober, we can fulfill that. But there's a piece of our wives, I think that resents, even if it's a subconscious level, resents the fact that they're having to step in and do our job when [00:44:00] we're not able to show up.
Casey: Just to highlight that point, I, Candace, my wife, Candace, pretty much stopped asking me if I could pick up our four year old, he's four now, from daycare during that point in my life because she knew, chances are, I'd had at least a few drinks, even throughout the day. Like she didn't know, she knew I didn't have to tell her.
And of course I, you know, try to lie about it, but she knew. So there was a point where she just stopped and she would. stay up. She wouldn't get a good night's sleep when I'd been drinking because she was scared that because I don't know if it's sleep apnea or what, but when I would drink heavily, it might be like this for everybody.
I would stop breathing for, for certain points because, you know, I was in such a state of, of unconsciousness from being so drunk. So [00:45:00] it was affecting her sleep life too. Also the other prominent woman in my life is my daughter. And looking back, I remember times when she had a concerned look on her face when dad had, when dad was really, really drunk and didn't know how to, how to process that.
And you know, that, that makes me feel just about as bad as putting Candace into that, putting my kid into that. Cause like you said, from a woman to a man perspective, they feel like they have to step up and protect. And I feel like my daughter in a way has. that instinct where she's like, maybe I need to worry about my dad's state of mind.
And I just, like, I don't ever want to put any of my kids in that situation ever again. So, you know, some of this stuff is more serious. Like you can stop [00:46:00] drinking just to stop drinking. You don't have to let it get to the point where it got for me. to make that decision. But if you if it has gotten to that point, I highly suggest stopping
Franklin: and just the ability to kind of connect some dots on looking at how how much we may be making our families vulnerable, putting them in a vulnerable position because of our decisions to not be fully present.
Okay, let's shift gears for a minute. because what we want to do is present a different way to look at this. I don't, you know, what Casey and I don't want to do is say this is right or this is wrong. This is good or this is bad. I think those are those are ways of looking at drinking or anything else. But I don't think they're very helpful.
And I think it probably does more to discourage or or movement in a direction away from sobriety or away from making this decision just because it It creates [00:47:00] guilt and it creates shame around it versus it being a positive. So here's, here's what I want you to do, men. Here's the question. You're going to want to write this down at some point.
So, and then I'm going to say it a couple of times. Okay. Let's take alcohol for an example. Does alcohol serve me in becoming the husband and father my family deserves? I'm going to say that again. Does alcohol serve me in becoming the man, the husband, the father that my family wants, needs, and deserves?
And I think that right there is the best possible way of looking at this. Like men, we should all have a vision for who we want to be. an aspirational vision that we probably will never fully achieve because we always want to be pushing towards it. But if we can create a, a powerful and positive vision of who we are and [00:48:00] who we want to be as men and then marry it up to this question of, okay, does it serve me to get there?
So I could look at alcohol in my own life and I could, I could justify it. I could explain it away. I could say, Oh, it's not that big of a deal. It's just a couple of drinks on Saturday night. What's, you know, it's not hurting anyone. I'm not, you know, no one's getting hurt on this. Making it a, is this a right or wrong or a good or bad?
That's just a sorry or a, a bad question, a bad way to look at it because again, now we're arguing. But if, if you were just to, to make it really clear and go, okay, who do I wanna be as a man? And then you take anything, you can take alcohol, you can take any form of sedation, any kind of habit, and go, okay, does that serve me?
So let's look at a positive example. Does writing my wife and children a note of love, honor, and gratitude every morning. serve me in becoming the man I want to be? Yes, it does. 100%. Does [00:49:00] exercise and working my body out every day and trying to make it as healthy as it could be, does that serve me in becoming the man that I truly want to be for them?
It absolutely does. Okay, cool. So now let's put it in alcohol. Does alcohol serve me knowing what I know? Knowing how it affects me, knowing the way it creates anxiety for me, does that serve me in my pursuit of the version of myself I'm pursuing every single day? Well, the simple answer is no. And so it's not a good or bad shameful thing anymore.
It's just recognizing that it does not serve me, which is so much more powerful in a, in a, in a, in a better way to look at it. So that's really what we want to present as we talk through this is I woke up on that Sunday of Easter and I realized I don't care whether alcohol is good or bad. I don't care whether it's right or wrong.
I just know it doesn't serve me in the life I want to live. And it doesn't serve me to be the man that my family family [00:50:00] deserves. And so, man, I would strongly encourage you and challenge you, like, no matter what, like, think of that thing. You know what it is. You don't have to tell anybody, but what is that thing in your life that you're either making excuses for, justifying, sweeping under the rug, hiding it, you know, and, and just pull it out and go, okay, does this serve me?
What's it costing me to continue to allow this thing to stay in my life? And how long am I going to tolerate it? Like, how long am I going to continue to wake up on a Sunday morning, disconnected from my family with my wife going, well, like, is there something wrong with us? Because it's Sunday, it's your one day here fully at home.
And it seems like you're not, you don't even want to be around us. Well, had nothing to do with them. It had everything to do with me and the, the simple effect that alcohol had on my. On my body's chemistry, it just and it just didn't serve me and I decided one day I'm just not going to tolerate [00:51:00] being that man anymore.
And so I hope that is a really powerful and positive way of looking at anything in your life. Good, bad, right, wrong, who cares? Does it serve you? And there's some things that may serve you today that won't serve you tomorrow, or some things that don't serve you today that will serve you tomorrow. Like we go through seasons, there's different phases of life, but in any event, Does the thing that you're doing and and I think we have to uh, Take inventory of the things that we're doing in our lives to to really put this all to the test But run them through that filter does this serve me?
Casey: Yeah. And you don't have to let it get as far, uh, spiral out of control as far as it did for me before you get to that point. I tried just a quick story. I tried therapy, you know, and totally avoided talking about me having a drinking problem. [00:52:00] You know, I thought I could find somewhere else in my life.
that was negatively affecting me. And it turned into me trying to make my therapist the savior in my life. So one of the ways that I stopped drinking is I just completely cut out her, everything, everything that I had tried, including therapy, to try to find some sort of other savior mechanism than the ultimate one.
And so when I started pursuing God, you know, the decisions got better. It led to the, to the stopping drinking, but that's just a side story. Like even things that you think you can do that are positive, if you're not, Looking at yourself in the mirror, taking a self assessment and inventory of what you're doing right and wrong.
If you're just masking all of that, you're going to continue to look for the wrong kind of [00:53:00] coping mechanism forever. It's takes. inner strength. It takes inner fortitude to overcome and to not give in to that kind of temptation.
Franklin: Casey, as we begin to wrap up, what, uh, or any final thoughts as you kind of look back at your experience and where you are now in the, you know, how.
You know, how long it took to get to the place that you got to. And then you, you fast forward a year of making this decision to just not tolerate that thing in your life anymore that was holding you back. What would be a final kind of wrapping up thought that you would give?
Casey: I think the, the period, I guess, from September of 2022 to April of 2023 might've been the most Challenging period of my adult life.
You could say, you know, having a breath breathalyzer in your truck. So you could track your, your [00:54:00] blood alcohol content might be a challenging period, but it wasn't, it wasn't a challenging period because I was just drinking my challenges away. You know, the challenging period was when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself.
And making that progress, even though I was still drinking, the challenging period was, was getting to the point where I were, I knew I needed to stop drinking. And looking back over the past year, I've found more patience more than anything with myself. And so that was part of the biggest issue I had was I wanted to wake up the next day and, you know, not be an alcoholic or I wanted to wake up the next day and just be at this awesome connection with God that just, you know, It makes everything else in my life, uh, just great, you know, and that's just not how it works.
It takes a lot of time [00:55:00] depending on, it takes a lot of time and work no matter where you are in life to, to, to build and maintain a relationship with God, to build and maintain the important relationships in your life, to overcome something like we've overcome. It takes a lot more time and a lot more effort, but looking back.
It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And, you know, another side of this is be proud of yourself. If you do make it through something like this, if you do make the choice to quit whatever negative coping mechanism you, you kind of resort to be proud of yourself, pat yourself on the back, not after it's done, but During it, when you make a good choice, when you make a choice not to drink or not to watch porn or whatever your, your, you know, security blanket may be, make sure you [00:56:00] reward yourself for that.
If you're trying to unmask the bad things in your life, make sure that you're You are giving yourself credit for the good things in your life, and that's something that it's hard to do when you hate yourself, you know, and I guess that's the, the biggest takeaway I've had is it starts with yourself. If you can find a way to, to fix the bad stuff within you, it's going to just translate.
Late to everybody in your life and have that much of a much more positive impact. My relationship with my wife is a thousand times better than it was a year ago. My relationship with my kids is a thousand times better than it was a year ago. Relationship with God, relationship with close friends. It doesn't show up right away, but it will.
Franklin: God, man, I so much appreciate you coming on today. Super powerful story. Very, very obvious that you're a man who's done the work. Based on the way that you can communicate about it [00:57:00] and well done like congratulations, you need to hear that too from from other men and I'm just I'm really honored and proud that we got to share this, uh, this conversation today, but hopefully we'll, uh, we'll serve some other men who, who will hear it in a, in a positive way as we wrap up today, men, ask yourself the question is the thing you're doing.
Is it serving you? And if it's not, how long are you going to tolerate it? You know, get it out of your life because your wife, your kids, they deserve the best version of you. And it's up to us to make those hard decisions to remove the things keeping us from being the men that they, uh, that they want, need.
And, uh, and do deserve. So Casey, thank you, uh, very much. It's a privilege and honor to have you on today. Outstanding job on your first podcast. And, uh, this was a lot of fun.
Casey: I appreciate you having me, Franklin.
Franklin: If you enjoyed today's episode, [00:58:00] please subscribe to the podcast, give us a rating and review and share this episode with one man, you know, needs to hear this message. We want to encourage as many men as possible to show up as the strong leaders Loving husbands and intentional fathers their family deserves.
And until next time be the man the world needs.