Franklin: [00:00:00] Right now the world needs great men who will stand up and lead with honor, serve with purpose and courageously fulfill their God given roles as husbands, fathers, leaders, and men. I'm your host, Franklin Swan, bringing you practical tools and powerful conversations you can use every day to build yourself into the man God is calling you to be.
This is the world needs men. Let's go. Welcome back to the world needs men podcast. I've got my friend David Waldie back. We've got him back for round two. When we did our first podcast, there was so much that we didn't get to. We knew that we were going to have to get him back in here and continue the conversation.
So we were able to make today work. And David, I'm super excited to have you back in and Continue the conversation, man. Thanks for making the time,
David: [00:01:00] Franklin. This is an honor, brother. I'm excited, man. We've just are just our preliminary conversation has got me excited for today. It's going to be a good one.
Franklin: Yeah, man, I'm excited. It was great. Please update everybody. You've got some pretty awesome news. Yeah, I'm sure you're sharing regularly, but please share it on this show. Yeah, I guess this will
David: be the first first public announcement. So yeah, my wife and I, we found out on Tuesday that we're having another baby boy.
So that is number four for us for fourth child. So I've got our daughter, uh, our oldest, and then we're gonna have three boys. And so I'm excited because one of our dreams and visions is we want to have a I'm going to need some hands. It's good. I'm excited, man.
Franklin: Take some of that Kansas upbringing and, uh, and transplant it to, uh, South Carolina.
David: Oh, we got to bale some hay. We gotta, we gotta feed the horses, man. That's
Franklin: awesome. That's awesome, man. Congratulations. That's so good. That's so good. Well, where do you want to start, man?
David: I love that what we were talking about beforehand, I would love for us just to kind of go [00:02:00] into, Whether that 90%, a hundred percent either talking about that and then kind of see where it goes from there.
Cause that was right there at the final countdown. And so I would love if you want to start there, man.
Franklin: So to give a little back context into our, our conversation right before we hit record, and I'm not even sure how we got onto it, but you know, I've been a part of some, uh, of some groups where. You know, from a fitness standpoint, it's like you eat so clean, you eat so healthy and that's, that's good.
And you should do that and, and all. But it's like, if there comes this point where, Oh, you said that you were going to be taking your son on a little father, son outing. And it was going to blow your diet today because he always loves to go to, loves to go to a five guys. So, so, so my comment was, man, you know, If you look up and find yourself in a place where you can't sit down with your daughter on a park bench on a, on a Saturday afternoon and enjoy an ice cream cone together, [00:03:00] you just need to reevaluate life.
And so this whole idea of, and I think in our culture and society, like we push for 100 percent or we say 110 percent or 150 percent or whatever percentage, right? And it's like, You know, if you're at 90%, you're making an A. And, you know, I don't know about you, but I was typically a C student growing up.
And so an A sounded amazing. Uh, and I was super proud of it when I could achieve one. But, you know, I think to be a great, Husband father leader, you know, do we really need to be pushing for 110 percent all the time and unable to enjoy that ice cream cone? or do we Gain more in the long run by Hitting 90s hitting a 90 or even an 85 So there's a run with that.
David: Absolutely, man. So there's two things right for any any baseball fans out there pretty sure I mean, i'm not a baseball expert, but I think a [00:04:00] 300 batting average is You Extraordinary. If I'm not mistaken, like really, really, really good. And, uh, I think what we do is you're saying like I hit three swings out of 10, right?
Is that how that you, you probably know more about baseball than I do. Is that how the percentages work? Actually, no less. Okay. You know what I played soccer growing up? Well, pick a sport that we both can understand the soccer for me as well. Right. Is that if you think about the game of soccer football for our European fam, the rest of the world, actually, you've got 90 minutes.
And you might score one goal, you might score two goals, right? And what's beautiful about this game of soccer is this tension that goes back and forth. What I love to equate this concept of 90 percent to, Franklin, is this difference between an industrialized, manufactured mindset And an agricultural cultivation mindset.
We live in an industrialized mechanical manufacturer. That's the language that we [00:05:00] use, right? Because you can hear people talking about, like, there's a difference between like building a business and growing a business, it's a subtle difference. But this is where our language really, really gets us in trouble because we don't know, we don't understand how the language we're using affects our mind.
And so when you look at something like 100 percent saying I'm going to hit 100 percent that is very mechanical, manufactured type language, industrialized languages that we've got to scale. We got one to 100 and you're going to get scored accordingly. Okay, I have a question for everyone listening. When was the last time that you looked at a tree and knew?
That it was 100%. Never. You don't know. You don't know if it's 90 percent healthy, 80 percent healthy, 70 percent healthy, 100 percent healthy. You don't know if it's getting every single thing that it needs. And you look at plants even, is that You can have a projection of yields, right? You know, I'm a Midwestern farm boy at heart.
And so you can, you can assume, uh, you plant this much corn. This is how much [00:06:00] yield you're going to get. This is how much you're going to get. The thing is, is that all cultivation, agricultural language, we're talking about gardening. We're talking about soil. We're talking about growth. We're talking about health and the water and photosynthesis and all these super nerdy things.
We don't use the same grading scale for 99 percent of nature that we use. Especially over the last 100 to 200 years for how we're approaching our lives. And I believe with everything in me that if we can shift this mindset and realize that aiming at a hundred percent, I get it, I understand it, but I really, really have a lot of problems with the people that are preaching this a hundred percent, 110 percent because it's this unrealistic expectation and the people that I do see that are claiming to aim at a hundred percent and hitting it all the time.
What's really interesting, Franklin, is I rarely see them smile. They also don't know how to take a joke. There's not a lot of joy in their life. I see a lot of like achievement. [00:07:00] I see a lot of quote unquote, what we would define as success. But how do you define whether or not a tree is successful? How do you define whether or not like a crop is successful?
There's no such thing as 100 percent in nature. It doesn't exist. And that's part of the beauty of the imperfection. You've never seen a perfect tree. There's no such thing as a perfect sunset. It's all subjective based on our experience and what we feel in life. And so what I try and tell our guys inside of the Ardent Man is this, is stop aiming at a hundred.
Aim at 90. If you're aiming at a hundred, you're always going to feel behind. You're always going to feel like you're messing up in some area. You're always going to feel like you're letting yourself down versus if you aim at 90%. What ends up happening is that these other marginal areas that you're talking about, Franklin, we're able to prioritize them like, like an ice cream cone on the bench with your daughter, like me going with my son today to get our haircuts.
We're I'm going to smash some Cajun fries from five guys. It's going [00:08:00] to be amazing. I'm going to drench them in vinegar and it's going to be a fantastic time. Now, do I understand the implications of sustaining that? Like if I was to have five guys every single day, that's consistency in my life, it's going to create a negative result.
I don't have five guys every single day. I'm not eating ice cream every single day. I'm not eating sweets every single day. But if we don't have at least some margin in our lives for us to enjoy these things, what I have found is that it's not about the food. It's not about what we're consuming. It's not about the show that we're watching.
It's not about all these things that we think it's about. Okay. It's about the people that we're with, because what you can have in life when you just aim at 100 is all the success and achievement in the world, and you'll find out that you missed the entire other side of the coin, which is fulfillment, and fulfillment is completely interpersonal.
It has to do with our sense of meaning, connection, joy in the relationships that we have, and if we're not cultivating those things, then we won't actually be able to enjoy the harvest of our hard work. It's not about not working hard, but I think this hundred percent [00:09:00] mantra that has been preached everywhere, I think it's very contextual and it's very nuanced.
And if you're just trying to hit a hundred percent all the time, you're going to live in frustration.
Franklin: You know, I think there's, um, and I'm probably, I'm not going to get this a hundred percent correct, but there's this concept, uh, even in the Bible biblically, where it. It's like, you know, don't, don't harvest all the way to the edge of your property.
It's like leave a little bit of margin for those who are less fortunate to come across, come along and be able to get some too. But it's just this idea of, of leaving margin, leaving breathing room in your life. And I think with a, An analogy of looking at a tree. I think what's beautiful about that, too, is that we we have seasons.
So you ask, you know, how do you know if a tree is healthy? Well, if you if you ask that question in spring, summer, fall and winter, you're also going to get four very different answers And if you, if you look at a tree in the winter and try to make the [00:10:00] comparison of, of a tree that's in spring, you're, you're going to be disappointed.
So even looking at the seasons of life that we're in, it may be that, you know, you have let your health go for so long that, yeah, you need to be buttoned up to the nth degree. Right, because you've not prioritized, but then if you've got a very healthy, very fit body, and yet you can't, you can't let yourself enjoy the ice cream cone with your daughter, what are you ultimately communicating to her or to your son, right?
When, when it's like, well, dad is like superhero strong and yet he's not ever. able to relax and have fun and kick back. And so his fitness is more important than just, you know, this time of connection with me. So there's no perfect analogy, I guess. But
David: well, I think that here's, here's, here's a thought with that, Franklin.
I think the reason that a lot of guys operate in that is because they're so stuck in comparison, they don't even realize it. It has nothing to [00:11:00] do with them. It has everything to do with what their circle has to say. And especially in the social media world that we live in, we are in this constant state of comparison.
Comparison, a lot of people say is intrinsically bad. It's the thief of joy. We talk about that, but I would argue that comparison is not intrinsically bad because If I was to look at someone that inspires me, that's a natural comparison. I'm comparing my life to theirs and I'm being inspired by it instead of what most people do is instead of being inspired, they look at it and they feel like crap about themselves.
And I think that a lot of times we, as men, the reason that we're doing things is for appearances. The reason that we wear the clothes we wear, the reason that we exercise as hard as we do. The reason that we post the pictures we post on social media or the videos and things like that is because we're trying to project an image.
That isn't actually who we are. It's who we want people to think that we are. Now, this is challenging because as anyone knows, if you're running a business, there's a marketing element to that. So you have to keep that in [00:12:00] mind. But I think the conversations that I have had, Franklin, most often is because These guys are, they're not inspired by other people, by the guys that are doing more than them or whatever.
They just feel bad about themselves. And that's an identity problem because we easily can get swept up into this performance based modality or this performance based mindset where my worth and my value and who I am as a man is determined by how much I make, how much I give, how much I serve, how much I do.
And it has nothing to do with who we are. And that, I think, is very, very dangerous.
Franklin: Being content is, is one of the biggest challenges for me at times when it feels like there is pressure, whether that's to know, grow a business, produce, show up and be a good husband, father, like, but it's also a huge gift.
Uh, when you can find that and just, and I [00:13:00] think in order to be content, you got to be able to take some of that pressure off. Cause if we're always pushing for a hundred Or more percent like how can you find contentment because you're probably never going to get there. But if you've got some margin in your life, maybe you can actually have some breathing room, take a big breath, find fulfillment and just contentment where you are and go, you know, do I still want more of the things that I want to achieve?
Or do I still have drivel? Of course, but at the same time, I'm able to just slow down and soak up the moment that I have right now, right? And enjoy a conversation or not be so hyper focused all the time. So I guess starting this conversation off for, for the men listening to this, like if you're pushing for 110%, you might find that life's more enjoyable when you just settle for a B for an A minus.
Right.
David: And I love that you, you said that because contentment, I personally believe that it's something that just like most things it's [00:14:00] cultivated. You have to plant the seeds and you ask the average guy what he wants in life. He can't tell you, he can tell you everything he doesn't want. I think we might've talked about that before.
He can, you ask the average guy what he wants in life. If he doesn't give you some like sarcastic answer, like I just want a million dollars and I want a six pack. Most guys can't tell you, but they can give you a long list of everything that they do not want in life, that they're dissatisfied with, that they're scared of, that they're worried about it's going to happen.
And what I've found is that this contentment process, you ask not only that question to the average guy, but most guys as well. If you ask them to sit down for an hour with no distractions. The edge of a lake or wherever, or just outside, sit down on the grass for an hour. They can't do it. They can't do it.
Now they'll say, well, I could do it if I wanted to. And I'm like, okay, prove it. If you can't bring yourself to this state of completely regulated emotion, where you are [00:15:00] at peace, calm, anchored into the present moment, fully aware, soaking in life, you're going to end up on your death bed. Wishing you could go back and live it all over.
You're going to want to sell it all. You're going to want to get rid of it all because you'll miss life in the process. And that's why I believe that success and filament are two sides of the same coin. Is it? Yes. It's about us going after our dreams is it's about, you know, working hard on yourself and crafting your body and, and, and your marriage and your relationship with your kids and your business.
Those things are important, but so many guys I find we sacrifice what matters most in the name of this illusion that if I can just make enough money, then my marriage is going to be amazing. My wife's going to finally have the sex with me that I want her to have. Then finally, I'll be able to buy my kids the things that I never had.
I'll be able to send them to that school or whatever it is. And we, we get things backwards, Franklin, because We forget that part of creating a [00:16:00] beautiful life is you have to enjoy it. Otherwise, you're constantly chasing that, chasing that, chasing that, and you're never going to find it unless you anchor into it in the present moment.
And so it's something, again, I love that word cultivation. We have to, just like in working out, we have to do things that we don't feel like doing to get the result. That we want to have, and you're not going to feel like sitting and meditating or praying sometimes or journaling, right? Uh, just like we don't feel like going to the gym sometimes, but when we put in the work, that's how we get the results.
Franklin: It can be difficult if you don't have a vision of who you want to become or what you're working towards to see the relevance or the significance of the work that you're doing right now. Yeah. Right. It's like you mentioned, like, whether that's praying, journaling, you know, working out any of those things.
Like, if you just look at it today, it's like, why is this important? Why in the world would I spend my time doing this thing? So I love this
David: concept of [00:17:00] becoming, and I've had a phrase that I've used for a very long time. It's never stop becoming. This kind of lends itself to what we were talking about previously of this perfectionistic mindset.
It's 100 percent mindset is that. And we've all heard this. If you're the smartest person in the room, this is dangerous. If you are the best in any given area, when you look around, that's dangerous because you oftentimes end up operating an ego and pride and arrogance pretense. And forget that one of the most important things in life is having this humble curiosity of realizing that you're never gonna fully get there.
Like that perfection does not exist. And when it comes to defining who we want to become, what I have found over the years, Franklin, and the men that I've worked with is that it's, it's almost an impossible question because I'll, I'll never forget. And I might've shared this on the last episode. I was sitting with him, uh, one of my first coaches that I ever had, and we were eating [00:18:00] Mediterranean food and She asked me a question that rocked me because at that point I was looking at my life and I had gone through enough personal development and listened to books and read the podcast and, you know, paid for some courses and things like that.
You know, everyone kind of goes through that period at first when they start taking their life seriously. And this was following calling again, I think we talked about this in that last conversation. This was following consistent suicidal ideation, anxiety, panic attacks. This was following me putting a Glock to my head and saying, this world is a better.
It's going to be a better place if I'm not here and we had gone through a miscarriage. I had my job literally, the only reason that I was still there was that the owner said that I was too much of a financial asset to justify firing me. So I was basically just making them too much money and they couldn't replace me, but they wanted to fire me.
And so there's this whole series of events that happen that lead up to this meeting. And I'm sitting there and she looks at me across the table and she [00:19:00] says, David, who do you want to become? And that was the first time that I had ever actually, like, for some reason, that question actually got through to me.
I'm sure people had asked me before, but I grew up conditioned very differently. It was like, well, what do you want to do when you grow up? What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to do? What do you want to do? What type of person, like what type of occupation, right? Now it translates over into a little bit of, of who do we want to be.
But what's interesting is that for guys, usually it's where we're crafting an identity. It's like, I want to be a plumber. I want to be a politician. I want to be a business owner. And so we start to assimilate our entire identity into this thing that we do for work. Right. And so when she asked me this question, Without even thinking, Franklin, the words that came out of my mouth were, I'm not allowed to define that.
I didn't even think that. It wasn't a conscious thought. It literally just came from my gut. She said, who do you want to become? And I said, I'm not allowed to define [00:20:00] that. And I'm guessing that there's probably some guys who, you know, if you come from any form of faith background or anything like that, for me, my belief system was this.
God created me with a purpose, and it's my job to figure out what that is. It's my job to find my calling, to find my purpose, and I had spent the better part of 15 years consistently, religiously, praying and asking God to show me who I was supposed to be and why I was here. And what my purpose was. So when she asked that question, Franklin, it sent me through this, a process that took a very long time, uh, with the help of some coaches, some mentors, and some guidance from people much wiser than myself, I started to learn these tools and strategies and things that were trying to understand how to define this because I couldn't define it.
And the first hurdle I had was I had to give myself permission to define it because I thought it was God's [00:21:00] job. And she challenged me through a series of events. And I finally came to this point where I realized I was asking all the wrong questions. And we know this, the quality of your life is oftentimes determined by the quality of the questions that you ask.
So I was asking, what do I need to do to fix my health? I was about 60 pounds heavier than I am right now. What do I need to do to fix my marriage? I was addicted to porn. It was hiding it from my wife. I had a new newborn daughter. I was dealing with stuff that was devastating me from the inside out and ruining my marriage.
What do I need to do to make more money? I was living off of credit cards at the time, just barely surviving, even though I was making really good money. And so I started looking at all these different areas and I started asking the question, how do I, like, how do I fix this? What do I need to do to fix this?
What do I need to do to fix that? What do I need to do to fix it? And this is where guys get stuck is we can identify all the areas of our lives that we need to fix. But if you don't first do what Franklin just talked about of defining the man that you want to become, you're not going to have any motivation to do it because you're not going to know why you're doing it.
Well, somebody said I'm supposed to wake [00:22:00] up at three 30 am and take a cold plunge. And then I'm supposed to sit there for an hour and meditate. And then I'm supposed to do this and this and this, and you're going to do all of this stuff And you're not actually going to feel any different because you don't have a purpose.
Or a reason for doing it. And so what I encourage guys to do, if you're struggling with this question of who do I want to become? What type of father do I want to be? What type of husband do I want to be? What type of entrepreneur do I want to be? Is the first thing that you've got to do is you've got to look at those that actually inspire you.
And Franklin, I'm going to go out on a limb here and just take a wild guess that there are men that listen to this podcast, you inspire them. That's why they're here. And guys. You know Franklin better than I do. You listen to this, you show up. What about Franklin inspires you? Take some time and actually write that down.
One of the things that I find most inspiring about you Franklin, I'm just going to call you out here in love. It's how you embody strength in the midst of vulnerability. You have a way of being vulnerable about the [00:23:00] tough shit that's going on. Sorry, I don't know if I'm supposed to say good. But really, though, you have a way of communicating.
Hey, I've been going through this stuff and here's what's going on. And here's where I'm working on it. And here's what's improving. And here's what I'm still going through. But here's what I'm holding gratitude for in the midst of it. You have a way of doing that without diminishing your strength. And that inspires me.
And I know there are other characteristics and things that people are inspired by, but guys, the point being, whether it's Franklin or it's Tony Robbins, or it's whoever, I don't know, right? Who inspires you in their life? If you can start to look at the aspects of their life and, and instead of feeling less than, instead of feeling worse about your life, instead of comparing negatively and thinking, well, I could never be like that, You will start to identify the areas that inspire you and that will help you start to craft and form this vision for what needs to change in your life.
So when she asked me that question, I jokingly, she said, who do you want to become? And I was like, I don't know, like Jesus. Cause he asked me for an example. And [00:24:00] she's like, wrong answer. You can't choose Jesus. I was like, okay, fine. I want to be like Tony Robbins, but I want to have a few less F words. I don't want to travel as much.
And I, uh, you know, there's no doubt whether you love him or hate him, he has inspired millions of people around the world. And she said, Okay, well, what's different about Tony than you? And I started to look and identify it, not just him, but different people in my life that inspired me. And then she took me through this exercise that I want everyone, I'd encourage you, if you're wrestling with identity, you don't know who you want to become.
This exercise changed everything for me. On a piece of paper, you're first going to write out Every single thing that you are dissatisfied with in your life. Now, this is going to be a tough process, but you are free to be as petty as you want. You write out everything that you, you are dissatisfied with in your life.
And so look at, you know, look at the three buckets, health, wealth, and relationships. If you start in your health, what are you dissatisfied with in your health? Are you dissatisfied with your diet? Are you dissatisfied with your beer gut? Are you dissatisfied with whatever it is, right? Are you [00:25:00] dissatisfied with your PR record?
And you need to, you know, look at where you're dissatisfied. Do the same thing in your wealth, right? So your career, your finances, everything to do with the wealth in your life, the actual tangible wealth in your life, your career function, etc. And then relationships. What are you dissatisfied with in your marriage?
What are you dissatisfied with in your relationship with your kids? If you can make a list and I have a caution here, if you can write on everything you're dissatisfied with and give yourself all the permission to be as petty as you want, like even something as simple, I I'm dissatisfied that my wife doesn't want to have sex with me every night, write it down.
Write it down. It doesn't mean you're going to get it, but the point is, is to write out all the areas that you're dissatisfied. Once you've done that, you're going to take a new sheet of paper, and you're going to, side by side. So you've got number one, you've got another new sheet of paper, and what you're going to do on that other sheet of paper is you're going to write one of two things.
You're either going to write the exact opposite of what you're dissatisfied with, Or you're going to write what you want. [00:26:00] And here's, what's interesting, Franklin is, is that if we take number one and say, guys, number one is like, I'm really dissatisfied in my health. The opposite of that is like, I want to be fully satisfied in my health.
That's what I, that's what I want. If you don't know what you want specifically, again, that's why we say do the exact opposite. Either write out what you want, which again is hard for a lot of guys because they don't know what they want. Write out the exact opposite. What you will then do is you will then see the gap between who you are today and the man that you.
Want to become, you're not necessarily going to see him clearly. You're not necessarily going to be able to say specifics, but what you can see is the gap between the results you have right now and the results that you want. When you start defining the results that you want, it's going to get, it's going to clue you into the changes that need to happen because if you were to look at it and say, well, like I'm dissatisfied in my health, but I really want to be healthy.
That's going to prompt your mind to start thinking of ways like, okay, well, what do I need to do? To get [00:27:00] healthy. What do I need to change? What do I need to shift? What do I need to adjust? And this will help you start to identify where your habits are betraying you. Your default choices and things like that.
But then there's one final step in this process, because you're still not necessarily going to know who you want to become, you're just going to look at all the areas where you need to improve. The problem with this is that if we don't have a motivating reason to your point, Franklin, what you said before, if we don't have a motivating reason to change it, We won't.
That motivating reason to change. It has got to be visceral and emotional. And the most effective way that I have found to do that is to sit with someone that you love and you trust and you do an exercise. It's called seven levels deep. Seven levels deep is a very simple process. And so, Franklin, we, you know, kind of give an example here.
Actually, that might be really, really useful. So what's one area of your life if you're okay sharing Franklin that you're currently dissatisfied?
Franklin: Currently dissatisfied with the fact that I have a [00:28:00] bulging herniated disc in my neck. Real simple. Okay, so what do you want instead? I want a healthy, properly functioning disc in my neck.
Okay, beautiful. Why? Right now I am unable to throw my daughter in the pool like she loves. I'm unable to wrestle with my son and, uh, and connect with him in the way that he loves. I'm unable to do the, the things that I love like running and, and lifting and, and all. I'm just not firing on all cylinders.
David: Okay. Why is it important for those things to happen? Why is it important when it comes to your daughter and wrestling with your son and firing off on all cylinders? Why is it so important to fire on all cylinders to you?
Franklin: I want to be a dad who can just deeply and completely connect with his kids. Why is it so important for
David: you to be a dad
Franklin: that deeply connects with his kids?
Because I want [00:29:00] to deepen my relationship with them every day and I want them to be able to look back on their childhood and remember a dad who, who was engaged, intentional, and present.
David: Why is it important for them to remember a dad who was intentionally engaged and engaged? Because
Franklin: that
David: will
Franklin: impact how they parent and the spouses that they choose one day.
David: Why is it so important for them to choose the right spouse and to have those positive aspects in their parenting?
Franklin: To you. Why is that important to you? Because I want them to get to experience like the love and connection I have in my marriage. And I know that like how much joy and fulfillment that brings.
And then I want them, I want to model that to them so that they can experience that same joy of throwing their son and daughter in the pool or Wrestling them with them on the, you know, on the living room floor. Like, I want them to [00:30:00] experience those things just like I get to. And
David: last
Franklin: question,
David: why is it so important to you for them to experience those things?
Franklin: Because once they experience those things, they will begin to be able to understand just how deeply I love them.
David: Alright, so for everyone listening, that was what we call seven levels deep. You have to do it with someone that you trust. But basically, the process is, is that you ask a question first relative to the result you want to create.
And then they ask you why. Why? Why, why, why now it's not exactly seven times, but probably everyone listening here notice is that your first answers and responses came from your head, Franklin, and around four or five ish, they shifted and they started coming from your heart when things come from our heart, and we can really think about the underlying motivating reason [00:31:00] why.
It is what drives us and motivates us to take the action necessary to create the different results. And so it was the last thing that you said. Repeat that for us. Franklin is because you want them to know how much what
Franklin: when they get to have that experience with their Children, it gives them insight into and understanding into simply how much I loved him.
This is beautiful.
David: So this means that part of the reason that you would make the necessary changes when it comes to your herniation and the stuff that's going on, why this is so critically important, why you're, you're calling the doctors and speaking, like doing all this stuff, right. Is at the core, It's because you know that it is keeping you from being able to convey the love that you want to be able to convey so that later on in life they can always look back and remember that even no matter what, whatever dad was going through, we sensed and felt and knew that we were loved and we get it now.
We [00:32:00] understand, we understand the sacrifice, we understand the pain, we understand the difficulty, all these things. That is part of when we can anchor into those type of things, what motivates us to get out of our own way. And so if we were to take these and this for everyone listening, if you were to take these things on this list of everything you're dissatisfied with, and then either the opposite or what you want, and then you sit with someone that you trust, whether it's your own coach, you've got a mentor, you've got a, you know, a older gentleman in your church, somebody, whatever, right?
You sit with another person and you give them permission to ask you why you will drill down past your head and into your heart and start to identify for each specific area, why you want to change that. And when you can anchor into that and remind yourself of that every single day, it's a degree of self accountability unlike anything else I've ever experienced.
And when you start taking action, which you're motivated to take action, not just because of the pain, right, Frank? Like the pain is, is a motivator.
Franklin: Yeah. It's, it's funny now that you, now that you [00:33:00] call that out, I didn't even mention the pain is a real motivator. Like, like my mind did not even go down to, well, I just don't want to be in pain anymore, which, which is, which is, Pretty interesting.
David: And I love that you said that because that's why most guys fail. They say, I'm going to make this change because I don't want to be in pain anymore. It's a good starting motivator. It is not enough for you to see it through to completion, because what ends up happening is that we, we end up running from who we were and who we've been and try and run as fast as we can to escape that man you've ever seen, like the pictures in the mirrors where guys just look like they're at the gym, they just look like they're pissed off at themselves.
And they, they, like, I know a lot of guys that one of the ways that they self motivate, which is very dangerous, although it does work is they just. They talk crap to themselves. You're worthless. You're a piece of trash. You're weak. You're all these types of things. And that is something that causes this almost like warrior type thing to [00:34:00] come up within them where they just grind it out.
And that's their MO. That's how they stay motivated. And what they don't realize is that there is long term damage that they are sustaining as far as their relationship with themselves, which is the most important relationship we have on this earth, because we are the, like, I know everybody knows this, but you're the only person that you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with.
You are the only person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. And you've got all these guys that are running from the version of them that they used to be because they're trying to escape the pain. And yes, it may be enough for you to make a knee jerk reaction and start and make the phone call or do the thing.
But if you are not, if you're not anchored into a much deeper why Simon Sinek has his book start with why if you're not anchored into a deeper reason, Then you will go through your life and again, achieve all of this success. But you're never gonna find the fulfillment in the process because you don't even know why you're doing it.
[00:35:00] You're just doing it 'cause everyone else says it, or to avoid the pain. And what I feel like is, is so critically important, Franklin, is that when you can start to identify the why, the reason that you're doing whatever it is that you're doing, you start to experience a sense of freedom. And this pressure starts to dissolve.
You're no longer doing it because you're angry at yourself and you're pissed off at the man in the mirror and you hate his guts. You start to realize that the war that's going on causing the chaos in the head and your heart is a war with an enemy that you're not meant to kill. It's an enemy that you're meant to befriend.
That if we don't cultivate this relationship within ourselves, where we learn to become our own best friend, and we actually love the man in the mirror, and we're proud of the man in the mirror, and we can talk kindly to the man in the mirror, then we will go through this entire life, failing to experience the fullness that's accessible to us simply because we're just doing things to run away from the pain.
And so to your [00:36:00] point, you getting your discs fixed, yeah, pain elimination is a byproduct of that, but really what it comes down to. Is your ability to love the way that you want to love. And it is a problem that has to be resolved. No one can tell me that that's not something that is motivating and will carry you through.
This is keeping me from being the man that I want to be. And that is also an indication, a little more clarity of the father that you want to be. Say, I want to be a father. That is not limited in my body because of my own choices and decisions and my health. And this is not your choice or decision. This is involuntary.
This is something that just happened. And that's where guys really get frustrated too, is that we've got to remember, control what you can control,
Franklin: but let go of what you can't. You've probably heard this saying, the right how or the right why can get you through anyhow. And, and I think, uh, what, you know, with, uh, you know, men typically have a, you know, I just want to fix it mentality.
[00:37:00] And so we just think how, you know, we go straight to how can I get out of this pain? Yeah. And, and like I said, pain's a bad motivator. I mean, it can get you initially off the, you know, off the starting blocks, but when all our motivation is, is to get out of pain, well, one, we can choose some really destructive avenues for getting out of pain.
Like I could just go sedate this away in a lot of. You know, through a lot of different methods, uh, or we only go long enough to, uh, or we only go for far enough to get a little bit less pain and just get comfortable, right? And so how do I fix my neck is a bad question. Why do I want surgery? to fix my neck is a much better one.
And the answer to being the father that I want to be for my Children, that level of a vision of what I ultimately want and I'm working towards. I'm not running away from pain. I am moving [00:38:00] towards a better vision of my life as a father. And that why will ultimately get me through the ups and downs of whatever it is I have to do to get there, you know, whatever.
David: You bring up another really good point, and I kind of, I feel like this might be a great way for us to wrap a bow on this is this, this concept of purpose, right? We've kind of touched on it throughout our conversation, and I have a working definition of purpose that I have not really heard many people talk about before, and it has changed everything about my understanding of purpose and meaning and fulfillment and joy in life.
We're talking about our why and why we're doing the things that we're doing. If we were to look at almost every context in which the word purpose is used in everyday life. I'm gonna ask you a question, Franklin. What is the purpose of taking a shower? To get clean. What is the purpose of your [00:39:00] four mile walks in the morning?
Franklin: Well, one, just to process out a little bit of stress and just to start my day, get my brain and my, my blood flowing and my brain working. What is the purpose of eating food?
David: Nourish my body. Beautiful. We so overcomplicate this thing called purpose when in almost every other context, when we talk about purpose, it is nothing more than an action to be taken to create a specific result.
The action to be taken to create the result of being clean is I need to take a shower. The action to be taken in order to feel satiated Is I need to eat some food. The action taken to get to five guys later today is I have to drive the car. What I have found is that the reason that so many men struggle with feeling like they have purpose, they're living with purpose, they're on purpose, they're in purpose, this, this all overarching sense of [00:40:00] meaning and deep purpose.
Is because of one word and that word is alignment. It's a buzzword nowadays. And I think a lot of people don't realize what they're actually saying because you hear people all the time. I, you know, you align with what feels good. No, you don't stop. Don't do that. It's dangerous. Especially if you've got poor results in your life, because if you only align with what feels good, you're going to perpetuate this, this self sabotage cycle and stay stuck there because you're not actually aligning with anything other than neurochemicals, dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, like that's all that's happening, but alignment in and of itself, there's no way that we can live in aligned life unless we know what we are lining up with.
Alignment is impossible unless you know exactly what that fixed endpoint is and saying, I am aligning my life with that. There's this shipping channel that I heard about one time. I forget where it's at, but [00:41:00] there's basically like these three lighthouses that the way that the shipping channel, like the ships coming in would know if they were able to get as very, very narrow, like narrow inlet where like 20 yards to the left or to the right, they would crush the hole.
So very narrow, the way that they would know if they were safe. And on track is if all three of those lighthouses you can only see one. You could only see one because they were perfectly aligned with each other. You could only see the one lighthouse. If you saw three lighthouses, you were in trouble. This alignment concept for us is if we are trying to Create different results and become the men that we want to be.
We first have to define with specificity what we are aiming at. Once you say, I want to be clean. Once you say, I want to be satiated. Once you say, I want to be healthy. The next thing that happens is, well, what do I need to do? This goes back to what do I need to do in [00:42:00] order to create that result? It is the action to be taken to create the result.
And when you start living with that level of intentionality, you start to realize everything you do has purpose. The purpose of me not doing X, Y, and Z is this. The purpose of me working on my, getting my back healed is this. The purpose of me enjoying, you know, dating my wife is this. The purpose of me spending time with my kids is this.
The purpose of me taking this, this action in my business is this. You start living off of. on purpose. And when you're doing that purposefully, intentionally, all of a sudden you just wake up one day and you're like, bro, I got so much meaning in my life. I know why I'm doing everything that I'm doing because I'm aligning with that man.
That's the man that I'm becoming. And Franklin, you know this. When you occupy that state, your identity starts to change. You start to see yourself differently. You start to see not only the potential, but the capabilities. You stop beating yourself up. You have some self empathy. You stop trying to aim at 100%.
You say, no, I'm [00:43:00] aligned. Today was a crap day, but I took a line to action. I had purposeful action in my life. And this is again, to kind of put a bow on everything that we've been talking about, this is how we not only define the man that we want to become, but it's how we actually become him. Because if you do this, just like with anything else in life, with consistency, you will wake up one day.
We talk about confidence for a quick second. Confidence is nothing more than having a track record of undeniable proof. And in order to have a track record of undeniable proof that you can look at and say, I'm confident in this area because I've done it a thousand times. I've ridden the bicycle a thousand times.
I'm confident on the bicycle that takes courage. Courage is very different than confidence because courage says I don't have a track record of undeniable proof. So I'm going to take this action and do this step today on purpose. And you do that day one, day one. Day one. Day one. And the guys in our community inside the Ardent Man, we only say day one.
Every day is day one. But you take that action day one, [00:44:00] day one, day one, day one, every single day, instead of saying, well, one day I'm going to do this. One day I'm going to do that. We just flip it. Day one. You wake up a week later. A month, three months, six months, and you will look back and you will now have your track record of undeniable proof.
And that is where this cultivation of confidence comes from, because now you are healing the relationship with your, with yourself. Now you're trusting yourself more. You're respecting yourself more, which in any relationship is the foundation of a confident relationship. Guys, you're married, your wife's confidence in your marriage ties directly to respect and it ties directly to trust.
If you're consistently lying to yourself and not doing the things that you say that you are needed, and you're not motivated, do these exercises we've talked about today, because if you don't, you will continue to sacrifice your self respect, you will continue to sabotage your self trust, and you will not feel like the confident man that you want to [00:45:00] feel like that is in alignment with.
Thank you. Continuously becoming as you never stop becoming more and more of that man. And I believe that that man is who we all want to be. And I just happened to call him the ardent man, but we all have our own version of whatever that is. We have our own definitions of success.
Franklin: Man, David, that's so beautifully said.
And I talk a lot on this podcast about coaching, the importance of coaches, you know, most of my guests in some form or fashion, coach other people. That's probably the best example so far. That has been given of what it looks like for for a man that's listening to this that has never had a coach or still not kind of clear on what that is.
A good coach helps you to identify where you're at right now and just the reality around that. They help you to create a better vision of what could be and then they help you gain clarity on, okay, how do I get there? And, you know, you taking me through those [00:46:00] seven levels, going through seven levels deep.
You know, that creates that big vision for me of, of ultimately what I want. which is to be able to connect with my kids at the deepest level. And then how do I get there? That, that question becomes very simple. I need to see some doctors. I need to do some therapy. I need to find some answers from some professionals based on my specific outcome.
But the, the, how is very simple. It may not be easy, but it's very simple, but the deep work is creating that better vision of the future. And so I appreciate you walking me through that because it demonstrates to people just how powerful a coach can be in helping you get clear on the areas of life that matter.
David: Well, I'm glad you found it useful, brother. And I still have to, you know, one other thing is that I still do this exercise because you're going to change your life rapidly for anyone that actually commits to this process of doing the deep work. I'm not saying it's not gonna be painful because it's probably gonna be painful.
There's gonna be some stuff that's got to get ripped out of you. You're gonna have to lay some [00:47:00] stuff down. But like to your point, Franklin, what you need to do, the how gets really, really clear when you give yourself permission to define who you want to become. Because then you can see everything that's out of alignment with that version of you.
And that's how you create the alignment in your daily habits, in your actions, in your bedtime, and when you wake up and how much like your exercise and your time with your family. And that is a beautiful place to live. But what's amazing is that this exercise and kind of what we went through today, I encourage guys to revisit it at least once every six months.
Because guess what's going to happen. You're going to break through your current paradigm, your current perspective of life. And you're going to see completely differently. You're going to open yourself up. Your awareness will change. And your beliefs about what's possible, your understanding of your capabilities, They're going to change, and so we have to consistently redefine that man over [00:48:00] and over and over and over again as you progress forward, because use running as an example, you might be at a point where you're like, Good God, I can't imagine running a five K.
Right? And then you go run a five K like, Oh, my gosh, I did it. I did it. Maybe I could do a 10 K. Maybe I could do a half. Maybe I could do a full if we start out from the couch and say, I'm going to run a marathon. My friend, you're not setting yourself up for success. And sometimes that's where we get is we're like, I'm going to have these big, hairy, audacious goals and dreams, but we really don't believe them.
And what I encourage guys to do is say, no, what is just something over the next three months you could accomplish? What's something that you could do? Because once you do that, improve to yourself and you have the confidence, your awareness of what's possible is going to change. And what you previously thought you were capable of doing.
Your entire understanding will change. Like I was, I had the capabilities to do this. What if I had the capabilities to do that [00:49:00] and to do that and to do that? And that's where you can live in this state of deep peace and contentment and joy while simultaneously not settling in your life so that you can have an experience, the success in the filament, instead of sacrificing what matters most in the process.
And then winding up having all the stuff and look in the part. But being completely emotionally disconnected, which is at the end of the day, we are all after feelings. That's it. Behind every single thing that we ever want in life is a specific feeling. And when you can learn to cultivate that in the present reality, you'll stop chasing things that really, the only reason you want them is because of how you think they're going to make you feel.
And it'll change your entire experience of life.
Franklin: Man, I love it. I really, uh, could not appreciate you coming on the show more today. I would say for men listening to this, if you feel stuck, if you're sitting there and just maybe life has knocked you down, maybe things just feel blah, maybe you feel like just kind of numb, [00:50:00] whatever the case may be, if you're listening to this and David Resonates with you and and the way he speaks and in the way he works like just connects with you at some level and you're not really sure how to to move forward right now, I would highly, highly encourage you to reach out to him to connect with him.
Just have a conversation. I think you can hear this man's heart and where he comes from at a very deep level. And as someone who, who understands how to both empathize with where we are and then also come along with a, a practical plan of, of how to get out of that space. So I would highly encourage anyone who, who finds themself in that space to reach out to David, connect with him, have a conversation in a phone call.
and see where it takes you because we all benefit from coaching and from perspective and from having someone just show us a different way of getting out of our own way. So [00:51:00] David, how could someone reach out to you, uh, if they were so inclined?
David: I appreciate that, man. Yeah. So for guys, the easiest, easiest way to start is the ardent man.
com. Let's go to the ardent man. com. From there, we can explore a further conversation. If you want to direct message me, that's fine. You can do it on Instagram. They might get buried though. I can't promise I'll see it. You can also email me, but the thing that I want to kind of leave here with is that. If you're listening, chances are you already know what you need to do, but there's a reason you're not doing it.
There's a reason that you're self sabotaging. There's a reason that you're getting in your own way. You're not motivated or you are lazy or procrastinating. I just want to leave everyone with this final thought is that your goal and your mission is to not kill that part of you. Yes, it is the enemy right now, but you have to learn how to turn that enemy into your best.
friend, [00:52:00] because you are the only person that you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. And unless you can give yourself some empathy and some compassion and some kindness and some grace and forgiveness, you will stay stuck in a shame cycle or a guilt cycle that will consistently keep you in this vortex of emotion, this chaos of the head and the heart.
And you won't take the actions necessary, even though you already know the right thing to do. And Franklin, I'll throw this right back to you as well. Are any guys that have been listening to Franklin for any period of time? Guys, reach out to him. Franklin is one of the most incredible human beings that I have ever come across his heart, his vulnerability, his strength, his passion.
If you've been listening to this podcast and you're stuck, reach out to me, reach out to him. We are here to serve in any way that we possibly can because we've been through some dark stuff. We have been through hell multiple times in our lives. And I want every guy to know, like, you're not alone, but we can't do it for you.
[00:53:00] You have to initiate, you have to have the courage to initiate a conversation. And in this process of becoming the men that we want to become, I think the most important thing is continue to walk with gratitude. There is so much to be grateful for that we forget, and it can change your entire, entire day.
It can change your week, find the good focus on gratitude and recognize that no one's coming to save you. No one's coming to fix it for you. You're going to have to fix it. You're going to have to put in the work. But. Both of us are here, me and Franklin, to serve and support in any way that we can. And Franklin, my man, I'm so honored.
Thank you for having me back. This was, this was a, a, a real pleasure man.
Franklin: Appreciate you, David. That's, uh, just like the first one. We could keep talking, I know, for hours, but you have a, uh, a father son outing to get to, and so we're gonna make sure that you can, uh, stay true to your, uh, your commitment.
Little man. Watch
David: this. Five.
Franklin: Guys. David, thank you so much. This was a pleasure and an honor, and, uh. Just appreciate you very much, man. [00:54:00] Have a good one. Thank you, man. If
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