Franklin: [00:00:00] Right now, the world needs great men who will stand up and lead with honor, serve with purpose and courageously fulfill their God given roles as husbands, fathers, leaders, and men. I'm your host, Franklin Swan, bringing you practical tools and powerful conversations. You can use every day to build yourself into the man God is calling you to be.
This is the world needs men. Let's go.
Welcome back to the world needs men podcast. Today's episode is going to be specifically for the husbands out there. This is a message that's been kind of percolating in my heart for a bit. And it's really the distillation of 18 years of marriage. My wife and I've been together for over 20 years, married for 18.
[00:01:00] And, you know, men One of the biggest challenges, I think, is that a lot of the best lessons that we learn are, unfortunately, a lot of the hardest lessons we learn. And in 18 years, hopefully, we'll teach you a thing or two about marriage. And, you know, when I look back at my early years, it's amazing how little I knew and how much I still had to figure out.
And I'm sure that I'll look up at 30 years and 40 years of marriage and look back at, But where I am today and have that same feeling. But there are some things that your wife needs from you. And I really just didn't understand it. And I'm sure I'll continue to, to gain more and more wisdom and to gain deeper levels of understanding of these things as time goes on.
But there are four things that I'm going to share today that your wife needs from you. These are things that she deserves from you as her husband. And these are things that she [00:02:00] deeply wants. These four things are, they're kind of elusive. They're challenging, but ultimately as honorable men and husbands, I believe it's, it's what we're called to, to give to our wives.
You know, I think that we have a deeply profound responsibility to be I think it's far too easy for husbands and as men to slip into patterns where we are needy or we, you know, we focus on what we believe we're not getting. And we. fall into a victim mentality far too often when, you know, the reality is it's on us to show up and to give our wives what they need.
And, and when we start giving our wives what they need, most of the time, we're going to start getting what we need and what we want. And so four things that, that you need to realize are. are deeply important for your [00:03:00] wife to receive from you as her husband. I'm going to go through each of them real quick and then we're going to dive in and go into some specifics on each one.
So, number one, and this is the most important thing, and maybe you've heard this before, maybe you've not, maybe you've considered it, maybe not, but first and foremost, your wife needs to feel safe. If she doesn't feel safe, all of the gifts and the presents and the honey do's and the words of affirmation and the trips and everything in the world, if you, if your wife does not feel safe with you, everything else is going to fall far short and, and it's just not going to matter who you are as a man, who you are as a husband and a father.
And a leader in your home is going to have a profound impact on how safe your wife feels. And that's number one. Number two, she needs to feel loved. Like she needs to feel that you care deeply [00:04:00] for her. And I'm going to give some specific ways that this can be communicated, but your wife, you know, how, how loved would you say that she feels right now?
You know, and a lot of times, if we're asked to grade ourselves on how we are as husbands and how we show up, whatever the score between 1 and 10 would be, most of the time we are, we are scoring and grading ourselves higher than, than what our wives would, would honestly score us at. And so, does your wife feel loved?
The second one, does she feel valued? for all of the work, all of the things that she does, all of the tireless and thankful, not thankful, but, oh, what's the word? The moments when she just doesn't feel appreciated, like, like, does she feel valued? You know, because there's so many moments that we don't even see as husbands and fathers where she's putting in work, she's taking care of kids, she's doing all these little things.
And, So often those things go unnoticed [00:05:00] and, and it's very easy for our wives to, to not feel valued. And the fourth thing is desired. Like, does she feel that you are passionately pursuing her every day? And in pursuing her, like, women want to feel desired, our wives want to feel desired by their husbands, right?
So those are the four things, safe, loved, value, desired. To dive in deeper on this whole topic of safety, I had an experience one time, I was at a, uh, an event, and I think there were about 5, 000 people in this room. about an even split men to women. And the, the speaker on stage asked a very simple question.
He said, men, raise your hand if in the past couple of weeks you have felt unsafe, like you have felt like you're, you were in some sort of danger or you were in, that you were going to be harmed, that you felt uneasy. So raise your hand if you have felt this way in the past couple [00:06:00] of weeks. And as I looked around the room, there is hardly a hand that went up.
I mean, maybe in this, you know, 2, 500 or so men, just a small handful of hands that went up, almost no one. So then he turned to the ladies and he said, ladies, how many of you in the past couple of weeks have felt in danger, have felt threatened, have felt like you just weren't safe? And I kid you not, men, almost every single day.
woman in that room raised her hand. It was one of the most profound and shocking and eye opening experiences of my life because it showed such a, just a difference between the, the experience we have as men and the experience our wives have as women, and our daughters, and our moms, and our sisters. Like, there could not have been a more profound difference between the two in the [00:07:00] room, and that, that has stuck with me for years and just helped me to appreciate just how important safety is and how, how much we play a role in bringing a sense of safety into our homes.
And so, when it comes to helping our wives feel safe, we can look at You know, the thought of someone breaking into our home or having to defend physically our families from an intruder or, you know, someone wanting to harm them. But the vast majority of the time, this is not going to happen. The vast majority of the time, you know, the person that we need to protect him from is us.
It is our own words, our own actions, our own emotions that create the greatest level of either instability and lack of safety or stability and certainty and sense of safety in our homes. And so, ways that you can create a sense of safety for your [00:08:00] wife, number one is communication. Men aren't real good a lot of times at sharing what we're feeling, what we're thinking, what we're experiencing.
But the reality is like, that's how our wives get to know us. And the better that they know us, the more they feel safe because they understand who we are. Like, they want to know who we are at a very deep level. And when they get that, it provides them a sense of safety and security. The other thing is, is like, take care of yourself.
Like, you should Take care of your body, your physical health. You should take care of your mental health. You should take care of your emotional health. A man who does not have his emotions under control, a man who does not have his thought patterns and his body under control is ultimately a man who is just ready to fly off the handle and, and really can't be trusted.
Like if, if your wife isn't sure who is going to walk through the door each day, you are not [00:09:00] creating a sense of safety in your home. So you've got to get that under control. You've got to take responsibility for your own words, your own thoughts, your own actions, and who it is that shows up at the front door.
Or through the garage every day when you get home, like when you wake up in the morning, your wives need to be able to trust that. You got to get your ego under control, get a handle on your pride. So in those moments when you're having a tough conversation or she confronts you about something, like she should be able to confront you as her husband with anything and you should be able to sit there, hold space and receive it.
That's what a strong husband does. And when you do that, you create a sense of safety. The next thing is playful. Like one of the best ways to create safety for your wife is just to be a little more lighthearted. When you're, when you're trying to provide for your family, pay the bills, take care of all the responsibilities.
I get it. It is really hard to not be focused and get too [00:10:00] serious and be thinking about all the problems and the challenges that you're facing. But One of the best ways to create a sense of safety, not just for your wife, but for your kids, too, is to just create a sense of playfulness, to joke with them, to be silly, to not take yourself so seriously, to not focus on all the problems.
And the next thing to do. in order to create a better sense of safety is just to be a good provider. And this isn't just financially, but provider on an emotional level, provider on a physical level, on a mental level, like as a spiritual leader in your home. And when you show up and do all of these things, like you will begin to, to, Cultivate and foster a sense of safety in your home because you're a man who's under control.
You're a man who's, who's focusing on the right things. Just, just the idea and just the thought that [00:11:00] you would begin to be intentional in this area and have the awareness of like who you are. As a man determines the level of safety and security that is experienced by your wife and Children inside your home, just that awareness and then some intentionality behind it will begin to raise that and then ask your wife.
How safe do you feel with me? How could I make you feel more safe? And maybe you've done some stuff that's created a lack of safety in your home. Maybe you've made some mistakes. Maybe you've done some things, said some things that you regret. And you know, at the end of the day, man, it's When we do those things, when we mess up and when we jeopardize that sense of safety in our home, it's simply on us to restore it.
And sometimes that takes time. It takes hard work. It takes effort, intentionality, and we can't just snap our fingers and make it all go away overnight. And so that's just on us. And that's part of being a husband and part of owning when we mess up is just doing the [00:12:00] work to restore what needs to be. Your wife needs to feel safe.
She also needs to feel loved. How does she feel loved? Well, you need to spend some time really understanding what makes your wife tick. There's the Five Love Languages book. That's a great place to start. Understanding how your wife feels loved so that you can communicate to her in that way. Like, that's one of the best things you can do, but also.
What, do you know what matters to your wife? Like, do you know what's important to her? What are her interests? What does she enjoy doing? A lot of times our wives feel loved when we're simply willing to do the things that they enjoy doing, and it's not about us, and it's not about what we want to do. Do you sacrifice for her?
Another way to love our wives is to love our kids well. Like, one of the greatest things we can do to love our wives is to love their children. When you love a mom's [00:13:00] kids, you are inadvertently loving her. Like, you know, if you praise her kids, she feels praised. If you love her kids, she feels loved. That doesn't mean that the kids always come first, but it means that you're intentional with them.
You're loving towards them. You're a great father to them. Like, that is a great way to love our wives. But speak her language. Understand what it is. Like, pay attention to what she says. Ask her what's important to her. And then remember. And when we mess up, one of the best ways we can love our wives is just to own it and not make excuses for it.
And and focus on being better next time. You know, if you forget a birthday, if you forget an anniversary, if you forget an important thing, if you forget to do that thing she asked you to do, you know, I think a lot of times our wives like that feels like we're, we don't love them in that moment. And, and we're going to mess up as husbands, but I think the important thing [00:14:00] is when we do make that mistake, don't make an excuse for it.
Don't give her reasons. Just own it. You messed up, you forgot, and you'll do better next time. You know, that's all we can do. So she wants to feel safe. She wants to feel loved. She also wants to feel valued. Like for who she is, not just what she does, but for who she is. Does she feel prioritized? Does she feel like you're interested in her?
Gratitude goes a very long way. And when we notice not just the big things and, but also the little things she does, when we point those things out, when we tell her how much we appreciate those moments that we see, how she raises our children, how she takes care of our home, how she loves us. Like, gratitude is the best tool you have for making your wife feel like she's valuable and valued.
And just call all the things [00:15:00] out that she, that you love about her. And don't wait till Mother's Day to tell her how important she is. This should be something that you bring intentionality to and focus it to every day, like every day your wife deserves to feel your gratitude for her and all that she does.
Next thing, she wants to feel safe. She wants to feel loved. She wants to feel valued. She wants to feel desired. Men, if you haven't taken your wife on a date in the past month, you need to step it up, period. There are a thousand excuses that you could find. As to why you can't take your wife on a date, you're too busy, work schedules, kids, you can't afford a babysitter, you don't have a babysitter, all we do is fight when we go on date nights, I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do, all these are excuses.
You should be investing time, money and energy [00:16:00] and effort into your wife to take her out on a date and connect with her every single week. There's no excuse for this. Because the thing is she wants to feel desired. Like if you feel like she doesn't want you, you need to really look at yourself in the mirror and ask, well, does she feel desired and pursued by me?
If you stopped courting her and dating her and pursuing her the day you got married, then yeah, it's going to be hard for her to feel real interested in you because you haven't shown any interest in her. And so you need to take her on date nights. You need to pursue her. You need to invest in trips. One of the things that I learned a while back.
Is that vacations are not an expense, they're an investment. They're an investment into one of the things that my wife values the most. They're an investment into experiences and time with my family and my kids. I mean, that's probably the sixth love language for my wife. And so, It takes a lot of intentionality [00:17:00] to make our wives feel desired.
That's one of the things that we really need to remember. They need to, they want to, they deserve to feel desired by their husbands. And, and not just intimately, but But just communicate, spend time talking, getting to know each other more. One of the wild things about being married, you know, for 18 years now is that we have both evolved and changed and grown as people.
So you're always changing, so, and she's always changing. So there's always new things to get to know about your spouse. There's always new things to share about who you are and how you're growing and who you're becoming. So men, husbands, create a sense of safety in your home, pay attention to how you respond to things, pay attention to your words, your actions, your moods.
Your family deserves [00:18:00] to live in a home where they feel safe when they're around you. That should be the most secure they ever feel. That should be the standard we have as men. I'm not saying we have to be perfect. We're all human, but what are we striving for? I strive for a standard that says, When my wife and children are around me, that is when they are the most safe.
Not because I believe so, but because they feel it. Like, that should be the standard that we all aspire to. Now, I want my wife to feel loved. I want her to feel like her love tank is completely full, but this also does not happen by default. This is something that requires intentionality, it requires focus, it requires work.
This is not happened automatically. This does not happen by default, but our wives should feel very loved. They should feel adored. Does your [00:19:00] wife feel adored? She should feel valued. Our wives deserve to feel like they are priceless, like they are cherished, like they are valued above all else in our lives.
If they feel like we value our business, or our bank account, or our hobbies, or our interests, More than them, then we're falling short. They should feel as if they are the most prized thing in our life. And they should be. Better. What thing could we cherish more than our wives? It should be them. And finally, they should feel desired.
They should feel like their husband is in hot pursuit at all times. like desiring them, pursuing them. And some of this gets back to the safety thing on desired, because, you know, like if you're desiring and pursuing [00:20:00] them, that means that you're not desiring and pursuing someone else. And our wives need to know, like, they are who we are after.
They are what we are after. They are what we're focused on. And when we, when we do those things and make them feel desired, that creates more love, more value, more safety for them. So I would, I would encourage you men to write these four things down and to look at, okay, how can I. Create a better sense of safety in my home.
How can I help my wife feel more valued? How can I help her feel more loved? How can I pursue her better so that she feels desired? Ask her these things. Ask her how you're doing in these areas. And this takes courage and be ready and don't be defensive for whatever answer she gives when you're when you ask her You're looking for [00:21:00] information and feedback to know how you're doing so you can improve.
Not so that you can be a victim and feel bad about yourself. But ask her to promise you, promise you she wants to feel these things. And sometimes we just have, you know, Men, sometimes we just have to have it given to us very, very simply. And so you just might need to ask her and to figure, if you can't figure it out, you're like, God, I feel like I'm doing everything I can.
I feel like I'm, you know, I'm putting in all the work. I'm putting in all the effort. I just don't know what to do. Okay, well, a few things you can do. One, ask her. Two, talk to some of your friends, someone with a marriage that you would, or a man who, who as a husband you admire. And ask him, hey, do you create a sense of safety in your home for your wife or how would you do that?
Or how do you love your wife? How do you pursue and desire your wife? How do you create a sense of value in who she is for her? Get some feedback from other men. There are books out there. There are podcasts. There are, there are so many [00:22:00] resources today. There's almost no excuse for us to not know. Because the information is out there and then the only question is, is whether we're man enough and focused enough to actually do what needs to be done.
So last thing I want to, I want to mention is four things that are going to stand in your way of providing these things for your wife. There's four things that, that every man has to, I think, battle and deal with in order to, to step into the husband that, his wife deserves. Number one is, is laziness. A lot of times we're just too lazy to do what needs to be done.
No different than when we don't take out the trash or when we don't do the chore or when we, you know, take an easy day at work. Like, we're just being lazy. And I think that every single man has got a piece of him that is lazy and ultimately we just kind of have to kill that guy. We have to kill that version of ourself.
We have to not allow the lazy man to be who dictates and [00:23:00] determines our actions for the day. And so laziness is going to stand in your way of what needs to be done in order to make your wife feel loved, desired, safe. The next is ignorance. If, if you got married and since then, whether that's been 1 year, 10 years, 20 years, if you haven't picked up a marriage book or put any effort into learning how to love your wife better, then you're simply ignorant.
And there's no excuse for ignorance when it comes to being the man your wife deserves. So pick up a book, listen to a podcast, Like do something to reduce your level of ignorance so that you can gain awareness and wisdom around what it looks like to be an awesome husband to your wife. And number three, selfishness.
It can be so easy, men, to focus on what we're not getting. We focus on [00:24:00] what our wives aren't doing, or what we did, and we're not being appreciated, and our wife doesn't do this, and our wife doesn't do that. And ultimately, that is a needy attitude, and that is a victim mentality. It is not about what they owe us.
It is all about what we get to give them. We need to have the mindset that says we don't have to do these things for our wives. We get to. I don't have to create a sense of safety in my home for my wife. I get to. I don't have to make her feel loved. I get to. I don't have to make my wife feel valuable.
and valued and cherished, I get to. I don't have to pursue my wife and make her feel desired. I get to. When we flip it around and quit being selfish and quit focusing on what we aren't getting and simply look at everything as an opportunity to give [00:25:00] and to serve, Then that's when we step into powerfully masculine roles as men, where we aren't being selfish.
We're not being weak. We're not being victims and needy. We're showing up and giving our wives what they deserve. And in fourth thing that's going to stand in your way is apathy. And this is the hardest one. Men, if you don't care, then why are you even listening to this? If you don't care. That is the lowest level of weakness that exists inside of men.
No one can care for you. No one can do the work for you. No one can make the effort for you. And if you don't care, then you need to look in the mirror and you need to do some work. And you need to get a wake up call and you better be careful because if you let apathy go too long, you will get a wake up call that you might not be able to come [00:26:00] back from you.
Let your wife feel unsafe for long enough. You let her feel unloved long enough. You let her feel undesired, unvalued long enough, and you may wake up to a reality That you simply can't course correct. And it was all because you let a little bit of apathy in, and it grew, and it took over. And next thing you know, you lost everything.
Don't let that be your story. Men are wives deserve world class husbands. Every single man listening to this who is married, every single man listening to this who will be married, the woman you marry deserves a world class husband. The woman that you were married to deserves the best possible version of you.
And think about this for a second. [00:27:00] When you get married. Your wife is not marrying the version you are today. Your wife is marrying the man she sees in you that you cannot see. I know that I am a far better man today than I was when I got married. I wasn't a bad man when I got married. I'm just far better.
And I believe that my wife saw the potential in me. She was betting on my potential. She was marrying my potential. Like your wife is marrying. your potential. So is she going to be disappointed when you don't deliver on the potential she saw or is she going to be ecstatic because she bet on you and you came through and you showed up and you did the work and you became all she knew you could be.
That should be the, at the heart and focus of every man [00:28:00] when it comes to how he shows up as a husband. So men, there's no excuse. We get to do the work every day. It is our honor. It's our privilege. It's our call and our responsibility and our duty. And our wives are waiting. Your wife is waiting. She is praying that you will wake up and become the man that she knows you can be and, and experience the joy of having a husband that makes her feel loved.
That makes her feel safe. That makes her feel desired and valued. Let's go.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast, give us a rating and review, and share this episode with one man you know needs to hear this message. We want to encourage as many men as possible to show up [00:29:00] as the strong leaders, loving husbands, and intentional fathers their family deserves.
And until next time. Be the man the world needs.