[00:00:00] Just a heads up for listeners who may have kiddos around. I want to give a fair warning that my guest and I dive into some adult conversation and topics today, So please keep that in mind for any sensitive ears that may be listening.

Right now, the world needs great men who will stand up and lead with honor, serve with purpose and courageously fulfill their God given roles as husbands, fathers, leaders, and men. I'm your host, Franklin Swan, bringing you practical tools and powerful conversations you can use every day to build yourself into the man God is calling you to be.

This is The World Needs Men. Let's go. All right, welcome back to The World Needs Men podcast. I'm your host, Franklin Swan, and I've got a really special guest on the show today. This guest has a very particular [00:01:00] set of skills. His name is Keith Yackey, and his skill is helping husbands. get their wives to want to have sex with them again.

He's a husband, a father, entrepreneur. He's actually a comedian, and he is the creator and the founder of The Married Game that does teach men how to show up in their relationship and in their marriage in a way that makes them attractive to their wives. And so, men, I would highly encourage you to take notes.

on today's conversation. Women, this may give you a conversation to, uh, share with a, uh, husband or man in your life. So Keith, welcome to the show. Excited to have you and, uh, excited for this conversation.

Yeah. Thanks for having me, Franklin. It's going to be a joy. This is a topic that, uh, not a lot of guys talk about.

And I love the title of your podcast. It's so beautiful. And there are, I understand that there are a lot of guys that are in a relationship. They're married and they feel stuck. They feel stuck. Like, you know [00:02:00] what? I've got this desire in me that God gave me. And I kind of want to open up as like the three lies that most men believe that keep them stuck.

And I think that that might help set some guys free to listen because ultimately, if we're going to give the punchline at the beginning, the punchline is I've never met a dude that says, I don't want more or better sex with my wife. And unless he's getting a lot of sex and it has a very high cost. So the quantity and quality of sex within a marriage is something that a guy is keenly aware of.

And the way I look at that is the fruit on the, on the tree. And whereas guys who are struggling with this, the brave and courageous ones, oftentimes are trying to read books on how to be better in the sack, whether it's techniques or words or whatever, in reality, it's not the fruit that we need to focus on.

That is just telling us what's going on with the root. And if we deal with the root of the issue, it will fix and address the fruit of the issue. And the issue is, [00:03:00] is you, you, the man listening to this show, because that's what was, what it was for me.

Do you find that a lot of men come in and, and they're sitting there going, you know, well, my wife's the problem.

If she would only do this, or if she would only be this way, then, then everything would be great.

Yes, and that was my exact story, and that's one of the three lies. One of the three lies is I married the wrong woman. Dang, why didn't I get one that was highly sexual? Why didn't I get one that loved sex?

Dang it, I wish that wasn't, I wish, like, like, I remember as a kid, being in church, And I would watch like the one wife, you know, that would like have her arm around her husband and kind of playing with his hair in church. And I remember my dad saying, man, if I had a wife like that. And so I was literally taught that from my father.

Your

dad said that to you?

Yes. Wow, my dad so much said that because the [00:04:00] pastor's wife clearly loved the pastor and he said if I had her Man life would be so great. So I literally was indoctrinated indoctrinated this as a kid and You know what the truth is because that's a lot the lie is I wish all right.

I married the wrong gal The truth is you're showing up as the wrong guy. That's the truth because here's the thing. My story in a nutshell was that I married a gal who was very into sex and we would do anything and most guys when they're dating their wife or early married, they don't have a lot to complain about in that area, era or that area of their life.

And it's been considered the honeymoon phase. And I love going on record and saying, you know, honeymoon sex is for minor leaguers, but soul sex gets better with age. And here I am 12 and a half years into my marriage with my wife and with a big [00:05:00] hiccup five years in when she left me because I was not showing up.

And, uh, dude, we're still posting our best. Like, you know, I, I joke around, I go, man, that was a top five performance. Like, Hey, that was a top three performance. And literally on our 12th anniversary was the greatest sexual experience I've ever had with any woman ever. I didn't happen to be with my wife. So that's 12 years in and it just keeps getting better and better.

So I thought I w I was on the phone with my buddy, Aaron, right before she left me. And I said, dude, I married the wrong gal. And I had been promiscuous, but promiscuous before I had, I had been with a lot of women before. So I sampled the fair as it were. And I was like, of all the women I could have picked, I picked this one, not, not realizing that I was showing up so bad.

And what the punchline was is she lost attraction for me. She was no [00:06:00] longer leaning into me. She was repelled by me. So the fact that she didn't really want to have sex with me anymore, or she wasn't that enthusiastic when we did have sex. was the telltale sign for me that, well, she's just not that attracted to you, Keith.

So that's the first lie that most guys believe is I married the wrong woman. You want to hear the second one? Or you got something to say about that?

No, no, no. Well, you know, so it's not like by accident that all this happened either. It's like you're, whatever you did to, to get her interested in you to begin with, something changed along the way where you stopped doing those things, right?

So it's not like she changed or she was different. Well, you were different in, in, I mean, that's, that's every man, like if things start off one way and drift off, well, that's because you drifted more likely than her drifting.

I'm the biggest firmest believer in this. I think that all marriage problems are 95 percent the guy's fault [00:07:00] because he's the leader and she's the mirror and it has to do with attraction.

Attraction simply just doesn't mean that she's sitting around on the couch super horny for you. Attraction means does she lean in? Is she excited to hang out with you? Does she go, my gosh, my husband's home. This is gonna be so much fun or I'm going to go on a date night with Keith. Oh gosh, I'm so glad I got to be with him.

I believe every wife, if she married you in the beginning, she's attracted to you. Like you're her type as it were, but you either stopped doing attractive things or you started to do unattractive things and that chemical just started to drain out of her. This is why it leads her to say things like, I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

You know, these types of things where she's avoiding sex and where she'll make it seem like, you know, I'll just do it to make sure that and a lot of like a lot of religious people. I come from a pretty religious background, born again Christian. I was a pastor, these types of things. So the women in the church oftentimes will say, [00:08:00] Service their man out of like, you know, wanting to please their creator and kind of do their wifely duties.

But the guy's like, but I, I want her to moan. I want her to get excited. I want her to like be in, I wanna release this tiger inside of her. And that's not anything close to the experience they're having. And they're like, it's her, she's wrong. When in reality it's like, dude, she was kind of that way when you met her.

You, but here's the beautiful thing. This is the craziest thing of all. When you start doing attractive things again and stop doing the unattractive things, and we can talk about like five dial system, like what that actually means to do that, that chemical starts feeling back up again. And what we've experienced in married game and I've had close to 375 guys come through the program is they go, dude, My wife is like saying, man, you feel like you're my boyfriend again.

It feels like when we were first dating, what is going on with you? And that's, that's a, that's a fun thing to get, but it's because they started to show up and [00:09:00] do the work again.

And you just give them the mindsets and the skill set in order to begin to rebuild

that. We lay out the specific blueprint. We have the coaching because here's the thing is when you start to act a certain way, when you start to become this attractive guy again, she's going to test you because people test what they want to trust.

So if we were to go across, like, let's say we're running out of the Amazon, you know, and something's chasing us. And we come across as like Indiana Jones type bridge. And there's a big, deep gully that if you jumped, you'd die. Well, you probably wouldn't just run right out of the bridge. You're gonna like test it.

Can this thing hold me up? And then you test it because you want to trust it, but you can't trust it until you test it. And so what happens is a lot of times a guy will start to become this better version of himself. And it's not just doing dishes and doing chores around the house. Cause a lot of guys have tried that.

And then they go, I did it for a week or two and nothing happened. And it's like, yeah, but you're doing it to get something that's transactional taker energy. You're not doing it because this is your standard. Like this is who [00:10:00] you are, whether she was there or not. And so a lot of women are like bloodhounds, man.

They can smell that stuff from a mile away. So. Guys are trying stuff and so she's gonna test because a lot of guys have tried to be better to get more sex and Their women watch them after a week or two or three go back to the old way because nothing changed But she's watching to see is he just doing this so she'll test is he just doing this Because he wants something from me, or is he doing this because this is who the, who he actually is, who I was attracted to in the beginning, and if you don't pass the test, her trust goes down, and when the trust goes down, the lust goes down.

And so this is why, like, this vicious cycle of a guy goes, well, she never does, you know, she never does anything sexual, she never initiates anymore. or she doesn't enthusiastically participate anymore and now he's mad so then he withholds and he's like I don't want to do this stuff for you because you never do anything for me that I like and then she's like bro how am I supposed to be [00:11:00] attracted to you because you only do things if you get something there's not a dude we don't even like guys that have taker energy no human being likes others that are takers guy or gal and yet most men have not learned to show up with total giver energy and live by a standard They're always just trying to get something and what's in it for me.

And, and it totally ruins the attraction, which kind of brings us to the second lie, unless you wanted to say anything on that.

No, no, no. Go ahead. I don't want to hear the second one.

The second lie is, and a lot of Christian men have, have listened and believe this. And that is that it's not just Christian men, but I've dealt with a lot of Christian men.

So this is why I hear it. And that's just that women just aren't into sex that much. And that's actually not the truth. The truth is there's an inner tiger, an inner freak, that is dying, waiting, and begging to come out if [00:12:00] she feels it's a safe space for her to be that and not judged. And our society has judged women.

Like, if a guy has had sex with a lot of women, we're like, dude, that guy is, I mean, he's a stud. But if a woman's had sex with a lot of men, they're like, oh, she's a whore. She's a slut. So they've been conditioned in a certain way to not want to bring that piece out. But a guy that really understands how A woman really works and he shows up in his masculine and he is these things.

And we can, well, talk about the five dial system that when you dial these five things in, it creates a safe spot for your wife to go, dude, I love having sex with this guy. In fact, I want to have, I mean, sex is fun and pleasurable. It'd be like saying, no one wants to eat pizza. It's like, no, but, but if every time you ate a pizza, somebody who was really ripped and fit looked at you and said, that pizza is making you fat.

Put it down. You would never want to eat pizza in front of that human being. [00:13:00] So that's the second lie is women don't want to have sex and the truth is, and I've discovered this in my days of having had sex with quite a few women and having a wife that was not that into sex with me at one point and so much so that she left me to where she came back close to eight years ago and now we have a very vibrant, fun, and awesome, adventurous sex life.

How do you help men who, and I know you don't work with women, but like so much of what we bring into marriage, like a lot of it can, I'm sure people show up and they have stories, narratives, beliefs ingrained in them, you know, based on their upbringing about what it is, should be, and all those things.

Like, how do you help deconstruct? Because, you know, one of the things I think you talk about is fact, like without intimacy, you just have a roommate. Right? That is what makes the, like, the biggest difference in a marriage is that component and that piece of it. So how do you deconstruct some of those limiting beliefs and perspectives around, [00:14:00] you know, what it is so that it can be all it can be and is meant and intended to be so that a husband and wife can can really find a deeper level of connection.

Dude, your questions are fire because that leads me to the third lie. Okay. Seriously, like, these are great. The third lie is that most guys feel like perverts or something's wrong or broken with them for wanting to have sex as much as they do. And oftentimes a wife will be like, is that all you think about?

And a man is like forced to almost lie and go, no, that's not all I think about. No, no, no, dude. It's for the most part, guys think about two things, getting paid and getting laid. And so we live by a code. We just tell the truth. And so if a man's willing to tell the truth and go, Hey, what's the, what are the things that like, What if you were to write down your thoughts and we were to analyze what they are and they could the the percentage of what would be allocated to getting paid, business, empire, work, career, [00:15:00] and getting laid, the thinking about sex, it's going to be a lot of that.

Do we love our kids? Of course we love our kids. Do we love our creator? Of course we love our creator. Do we want to stay in shape in our body? Of course we do. But I'm just, if a guy's honest, those are very minor percentages compared to the other two. And the lie is that you're broken or you're a pervert or you, you know, there's something wrong with you.

But the truth is, this is exactly how God made you. He's, he makes everything. If you go back to the story in Genesis, he makes everything. And then he sees man alone. And when he makes it, he goes, this is good. This is good. Light, dark, good. Trees, see, good. Animals, good. Like, you know, all this good, good, good.

And he sees man alone. He goes, not good. Okay. Well, how do you make a good? He gave him a woman and now he goes, ah, this is good. And what did you tell him? The two should be one. I don't know what you, I don't know what you understand about two becoming one, but there's only one way [00:16:00] I know. And the anatomy makes a lot of sense.

You're not sticking your finger in her mouth. Okay. And he said, be fruitful and multiply. How are you going to be fruitful and multiply unless you're doing the thing that's consuming your brain all the time? So I believe it's our directive by our creator to have lots of sex. So you're not broken. It's just you don't understand how it works.

So therefore you don't have the skills and you aren't the guy that makes her want to release this inner tiger with you.

Once you teach these three lies to men, do you kind of see a light bulb go off or do they, do they see it in a different way now they're like, Oh, I see, I see what was standing in my way.

A big part of it was just how the story and the narrative I had around it. and what I believed that just isn't obviously serving me to get closer to my wife.

Yes, yes, philosophically, these three lies can help a man go, [00:17:00] okay, wait a second, you're helping me think maybe a little differently. But I don't have to get them to believe these three truths yet, but when I show them the five dials and the actual practical steps of what it will take to get your wife to actually want you, that's usually when the light bulb goes on, they go, Oh my gosh, whether these three lies and truths are true or not, I know that I'm here's where I'm at with these five dials and when we're having a lot of sex, I'm great at these five things and when we're not, I am lacking in one or two or more of these five things.

And so regardless, if you believe the three lives and the three truths, these five dials typically are like, okay, dang it, I've messed this up. And this usually tends to be where the emotional light bulbs go on.

Got it. So take us through those five dials. You keep talking, you keep mentioning.

So remember how I told like, even earlier on, I was mentioning that when a guy [00:18:00] When sex isn't really happening, there's no intimacy or he feels like, man, it's, it's, she's just doing me a favor, pity sex, to do sex.

It feels like it's the laundry, you know, the dishwasher, pick up the kids from school, give my husband a blow job. It all feels very mechanical and like checklisty. He's wondering, is there more? I want, I desire more. I don't want this to just be a chore. I want to, I want to see her in the throes of passion the same way I want to be in the throes of passion.

A guy doesn't love it when his wife just lays there and says, Hey, here's my whole good luck. Have fun. He, he wants to see her involved, scratching his back, moaning, eyes rolling back, like also truly enjoying herself. And the reason why most women don't do that is because they have some resentment. And these five areas, we call them the five dials, are where she builds up this resentment and is where she loses her attraction.

So the first [00:19:00] dial is the parenting dial, like truly being a great parent. A lot of guys get a pretty decent score on this one. Unfortunately for me, I did not. In fact, I was such a bad parent. My wife was like, dude, I don't even want to have a second kid with you. And so I was not that great of a parent when she, and then, and that was one of the main reasons, dude, so much so that I forgot Mother's Day.

She left a week later. I forgot Mother's Day. She's like, that's it. This guy is a lost cause and he's so selfish and so not aware of the people around him. That if he can forget Mother's Day, this guy's clearly got his head up his ass. Okay. So being a good parent, why does this matter to her? Well, this is what she feels she's put on earth to do.

She bakes this bun in the oven for nine months. And then when, as soon as that baby's born, that's all she's thinking about is making sure this kid survives and ultimately thrives. That's what she cares about. That's what she's into. And that's what her goal is. And so when [00:20:00] you don't step up as a parent, like truly like a teammate in parenting.

She feels like, dude, like you're missing the boat here. I don't have a teammate. And she starts to build resentment. That's what happened for me. So I would encourage a guy to just ask himself like, how would your wife rate you on a scale of one to 10 on how good of a parent you actually are? That's the first dial.

Some guys are like, I got this. Okay, cool. That's good. That's a prerequisite for a man. You should be a good dad. Second dial is the partner dial. This one is a little trickier. I call it the AKA, AKA, also known as the best friend dial. When you guys first started dating, you guys laughed, you talked.

Oftentimes, you know, for me, When I, like, we could talk about anything. We would just lay on bed, on the bed, and not, it wasn't about having sex, it was just about talking, like, tell me about your childhood, tell me about this. You could have a conversation about a topic, and that could go way into the evening, like, dude, I gotta get up early for work, we're gonna have to pick this up [00:21:00] tomorrow.

Almost like there was slumber party vibes, you know what I mean? And you could go on a date and just talk and talk and talk. You could sit out in the car before you go inside listening to music, laughing, listening, steaming up the windows just because you're talking and hanging out. And this is where they feel that emotional connection.

Like truly feeling connected to their best friend. And a lot of guys had that early on. And then as they get married, they start to lean off of that and they start to go, well, Hey, I'm busy at work. Don't bother me. But when you were first starting dating. Dude, you could have a sales call coming up and she'd be like, Hey, I want to come by.

I want to get, I want to get busy in your office. And you're like, all right, Hey, sales call guy, I'm going to have to postpone you about 30 minutes. Like dudes did stuff differently when they were dating their wife. And that's where they felt that deep emotional connection. And I joke around like men, when they haven't had sex, they get quote unquote blue [00:22:00] balls, but a woman when she hasn't had emotional connection, I tell, I say, she's, she's, she has blue tongue.

She just wants to talk and she wants to have a back and forth emotional connection. And I've come to realize, this is probably the most important dial. And a lot of guys trick themselves into being good at this. But if you really, If your wife doesn't really want to connect with you sexually, it's because she's probably felt neglected emotionally.

And this is the dial for that one. And the same way that men just, we hate getting, we hate hearing no. Hey, you want to have sex? And you're like, no, we hate being sexually rejected. It's the same feeling when your wife feels emotionally neglected. And this is that dial that truly do you still show up and like find out about her day and how she's going in the middle of the day.

Are you texting her? Like, Hey, I found this funny song. It reminded me of you. Hey, tell me about what happened with your mom. Like genuinely interested and women hate When a guy has a guy best friend and she can see [00:23:00] how much they laugh and communicate and talk and then he doesn't do it with her, she's like, I know you've got this emotional connective vibe in you because A, when we were dating or early married on, you had it, and then I can see it with your best friends.

I'll give you a funny story. Me and my best friend Garrett, we went to, we've been on like six or seven surfing trips together, and I always make us jerseys, I plan out everything to make sure everything's dialed in, and we coordinate, and we make, we get pumped up, we're excited, and when Jesse saw, my wife Jesse saw how much detail I would put in this, after the first one she said, I knew you had it in you.

Most guys are kind of like, Hey, honey, plan this, plan that. And I just show up and she's like, dude, you're not even like for even now, even now, like my wife and I, we go on trips and I have an assistant and we have resources. So I don't, I used to like, I like, Hey, where you want to go? Boom, boom. Okay. Lexi book is flights book is this hotel.

Boom, boom, boom. And, [00:24:00] and Hannah and I show up ready to go and still feel like I did my job because I booked it rather than sit down and go, okay, where do we want to go? Okay, what? Hey, let's look at the hotel and start planning it together because it's all an experience. They want to feel there's a togetherness and most guys really mess this one up, but I would encourage them to think, you know, scale of one to 10, how well you know.

Well,

and, and what you're talking about is really a matter of intentionality.

Yes.

And pre marriage and then into the honeymoon phase, like, you don't have to work at being intentional because you're very clearly after like marriage and pursuit and, and just moving the relationship along and It's almost like I feel like intentionality is just kind of a byproduct of, of that season, but then once you get past the honeymoon phase and, and you're just, you're in your marriage, I feel like it just takes a lot more intentionality and focus to get [00:25:00] to that place where you can have that partner connection and that best friend connection.

It just takes a, another level of intentionality for men. to keep that going.

Yep. And most guys forget that it's an investment that has a true ROI on it. That when you invest in the friendship level of your wife, the ROI is the return of intimacy. You're not going to out give a woman. When I give my woman attention, I always say our attention for a woman is like her private, private parts for men.

They're identical. How we view them, how we see them, how we feel about them. It's almost identical. Her, she craves your attention. That's why when a girl, you know, a lot of guys are like, Oh, she's got daddy issues. What does that mean? It means her dad didn't pay attention to her. Women open up like flowers to sunshine when you give them attention.

And this, even in my, I've got a number of one on one clients, guys you know, [00:26:00] that pay me a lot of money to have me work with them one on one, and this is the dial I almost go to first and go, wait, how much does your wife believe that it's you two partners in life going in and heading into the world and creating awesomeness together?

And anyone listening to this right now, no matter where they are on that scale, everyone has room that they could improve on in this area. Like, there's no, there's no finish line or in, like, there's no point where you're like, oh, I've done it all. It's like, well, no, what's that next level? Like, how can you take it up?

You're, instead of, you know, delegating out, planning the trip, you're involved planning a trip and making that a connective thing. Like, there's always another level to. Raising that level of intimacy.

Yeah. It's almost as if guys just are like, I want to win the lottery and have a great sex life and not realize that great sex life is a by product of you investing the same way you would in a business.

Like [00:27:00] nobody would expect, I just hope to get rich and yet not work on their business and care, actually care about the client and go. Man, am I delivering to this human being exactly what they need to get the result that they're having? If men would show up in their marriage like they do in their business, they would have more sex than they know what to do with.

What's the third dial? Third dial is the producer dial. Speaking of business, this is a one, a woman doesn't want to be in a, you know, a one bedroom apartment and drive a cloth seat car forever. She wants to see that her man is going somewhere. The train to nowhere is not a train that anybody ever wants to get on.

And so a lot of times a woman, if they, if you got married early on is placing her bet that this guy is going to help us get our dreams. If she married you later on and she sees that, Hey, you have resources and that you are somebody that's driven and ambitious and a leader that is highly attractive to a woman, not because she's [00:28:00] shallow, but it's because she wants to feel safe and secure.

And she wants to be able to know that you've got this. So guys usually fall into one of two categories, either a, they're workaholic, And they go, I'm building this all for you. And which I told my wife and she goes, except we never see you. So I don't know when are you going to eventually show up? Because all of this that you're building, we were moving into our dream house when she said, I'm going to help you unpack and move in, but I'm leaving our dream house.

And she said, I have felt so lonely in this marriage. I would be less lonely if I was single than being with you. And she's like, dude, my life would be better without you in it. Not exactly the Hallmark card I was hoping to get from my wife, but she's like, she felt lonely, felt neglected, felt like I didn't see her.

And I was a good producer, but I was a workaholic. And then there was parts of my marriage where my thing was pretty much on autopilot, not on autopilot, but yeah, I wasn't having to grind 12, 14 hours a day. [00:29:00] And then she saw me lose my ambition. Like, wait, we kind of made it like, we're good. Like we're financially free.

We can do what we want, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I, Kind of fell into the background and then she's like, well, what, what happened to the guy that was going to like build an empire? And now he just got a little bit of an empire and now he's done. And so a woman can sense these energies from us and they want to be with a leader that's charging forward, but also bringing her with him.

And so she can feel like this co creation vibe, Artem. So a lot of guys probably listening to your podcast, a lot of guys that you and I hang out with and ourselves included, we have resources. We are, we are profitable and we, uh, know how to build things that create a lot of value for people and therefore enrich us.

But. The bottom line is a woman wants to know that this guy is not, it's not that she's the top priority. She is a top priority, but there's more of like this mission and purpose that this man is on. [00:30:00] That's really sexy and really highly attractive.

It's an interesting path to walk, right? Because you, and you don't have to, it doesn't mean you have to be flying in jets and, you know, driving, like doing all the best things.

But like, are we improving from where we are today? Right? Yeah. Mike. You're not a piece of trash just because you don't live in a mansion. Of course not. Like, like wherever you are, are you, or do you have ambition to move to the next level? Like that's a never, uh, or whatever that may be is important and, and it needs to be significant, but it, it's not, it's not the only thing.

And it can't be, it can't, all the other dials that you're talking about can't be set aside just because you're focusing on this one. So it's a real interesting thing. What's like, you need it, but not too much. And it's not the only thing. Yeah,

that, that's a really great way of putting it, but most guys think, Hey, I protect, I provide, I produce.

What

else do you want from

me? Yeah. [00:31:00] What else do you want from me? And where, what do I get in this? Where's my intimacy? Where's the only thing I want? Where do I get that? And then it's like a woman is just like, Yeah, but that, that's like a, you're a 20 percent man. If all you do is just produce and that's most guys for some reason in our culture and our society, like that has been like, that's the target.

Just be able to produce and everything else. You're going to be, you should get laid and everything else is great. And it's like, no, that's, that's not actually how it works. So I'd have men rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 10, where are they at? Are they ambitious and driven and purposefully moving forward?

Or are they just kind of ho hum? Cause the safety and security is a really big thing for a woman. If you want her to open up.

It's fun to take your, to be able to take your wife on a nicer trip or to go out to a nicer place to eat or to buy her a nicer gift for her birthday. Like resource is a good thing.

Like there's. There's no reason you wouldn't want to [00:32:00] improve in that area.

Yeah,

exactly. What's the

fourth

dial?

Now this is where these next two dials are where the scores are probably going to get a little lower. The fourth dial is the player dial. So we've had the parent dial being a good parent, the partner dial being a good friend, the producer dial knowing how to produce.

The fourth dial is the player dial. Now I'm not talking about going and having a bunch of one night stands and all that other stuff. I'm talking about being fun and playful. and dating, you know, dressing right, smelling good, being a catch. A woman wants to look across the room and be like, that's my man and I know other people want him.

Like that's, that's, that's sexy and attractive for them. To quote the great American poet Cyndi Lauper, she said, girls just want to have fun. And that's the most true statement probably out of any pop song ever. Girls just want to have fun. And guess what? When she went on a date with you, if she didn't have fun the first date, she wasn't going on a second one.[00:33:00]

And definitely not the third and definitely not saying I do. I want to be with you for eternity. And so what happens is the fun starts to get robbed out of the guy's no longer fun. He's just all uptight and busy and building and, you know, And she's like, what happened? Like we don't, we don't even go on dates anymore.

We don't even have any, you're not even fun when you come home. You don't even, you're not playful. You there's no pranks. There's no, there's nothing for me. I just, she goes, dude, you came home and you, you ran your business. You came home and talked about your business and you fell asleep on the couch. What is there to want about this guy?

And that's what a lot of guys are like. I want her to want me, but are you wantable? Guys want sex, but we want to be wanted even more. We want to be desired. More than we want sex. We want, we love that feeling when a woman is like, I want you. And we go,

Oh,

me. Oh, that feels so good. But most guys aren't very wantable.

They lack being [00:34:00] desirable. And this is what that player dial is like. Do you look good? If, if, uh, if someone came up to your wife and said, Hey, do you think, uh, he's having an affair? And she goes, who would want to, who would want to have sex with him? That's a bad sign. That means you're not very desirable.

And therefore she's admitting she's settled and she now is with the runt of the litter that nobody else wants. That is not something that's going to get her excited. Let's just take date, date night for example. I ask and oftentimes ask guys, when's the last time you went on a date with your wife? Like, I don't know, six to eight weeks ago.

I go, okay, cool. Where'd you go? And they're like, well, you know, we went to Home Depot to pick up some parts for the house. And then we swang through Chick fil A drive through. It was pretty cool. And it's like, all right, Casanova, this is probably why you're not getting more ass in a toilet seat. Like this is a problem.

You're just not fun anymore. There's just, there's not a whole lot of excitement. You don't, and it doesn't have to be expensive. This is where every guy's like, Oh, just because you're rich, you think, no, no, no, it's not [00:35:00] that. It's dude, just a walk to the park and picking her flowers and having a conversation.

Some of our best nights are just Jesse and I heading down to like BJ's pizzeria, picking up a salad for her and uh, something for me. And we walked to the beach, put out a blank and just watch the sunset and it costs all 22 and 42 cents and whatever. You know what I mean? It's like nothing, but it's It's there's romance.

A lot of guys want to experience deeply passionate romantic sex, but they're not willing to do anything romantic to lead up and build a container around it. And I always say, well, okay, let's, let's just imagine right now, right this instant, you're, you're single. Everything about your life is the exact same, but you're single.

And the girl in high school that you wanted to have sex with showed up in your DMs on social media and was like, Yo, hey, wow, looks like life is good. Great to see you. We should reconnect, [00:36:00] catch up. You're like, perfect. It's a date. How would you show up for that date?

Probably going to go to Home Depot and run through Chick fil A.

Yes,

exactly. No, dude, this guy's going to, he's going to be doing his pushups. He's going to be trying to dress nice. He's going to be smelling good. He's going to be, you know, making sure he looks fly. He's going to have ideas, right? Like he's going to put some effort in. Why? He wants to get laid. But yet a guy, a married man who also wants to get laid, wants to put no effort in, or almost virtually no effort in, and thinks he's supposed to just get something.

Like it's her duty. And if it is her duty and she shows up, it's like a duty. He's like, well, I don't want you to act like it's a duty. I want you to be excited about it. Whoa. What did you do to get her excited? Nothing. Well, then how are you? Like, it's like this. It's just like guys have never been taught this.

My dad didn't teach me this. I didn't know this. I didn't know anything about this, but most guys are just not fun at all anymore. And so therefore. [00:37:00] Women just, they, they're just like, I know you want to have fun, but you're not very fun. And this is a big dial for most guys that they really, they really stubbed their toe on, man.

There's probably a fair number of wives out there who are actually kind of pissed when they had a fun man to date and then they get married and that guy just kind of. Disappears and then they're sitting there going, Hey, like, where'd he go? And I'm kind of pissed off because I really enjoyed that to the point that I got married to you because I enjoyed you so much and now you just let that guy atrophy and kind of fall to the wayside and kind of pissed now.

Yeah, we call it the bait and switch. Look, when Jesse and I first started dating, I was six foot and 185 pounds of tiger meat wrapped in barbed wire. Fit. I would walk down the boardwalk in Newport Beach and women would stop me and be like, dude, you have an amazing body. That's who she met. That's who she said, I'm going with [00:38:00] this guy.

When she left me, I was still six foot, but bro, I was 245 to 250 pounds. I had gained like 65 pounds. She's like, you're funny and you got a good personality, but you were no longer fun. You were no longer fit. You didn't give a damn about me in any way, shape or form. I was super lonely and yet you would pout cause I didn't want to have sex.

So I would ask the guys on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you at on the player dial? How fun are you? How in shape are you compared to when she met you? Do you dress good? Do you smell good? Do you walk around in gym shorts that are sweaty all day after the gym and you smell like doo doo? Like, does your breath stink?

Do you ever wear cologne? Do you ever take her out on a date where it's fun? Do you do any of these things? Most guys who aren't getting laid the way they want to, they have really let the ball drop on this one in a major way.

And those are all really [00:39:00] simple things, probably much simpler than whatever business challenge you're trying to overcome right now.

It's like, it's not like you're not smart enough to do these things.

That's a great way of putting it, Franklin. Yeah, that's exactly right. All right, fifth dial. Fifth dial. And this one, again, the guys really, it's just, they really struggle with this one. It's a power dial. What does that mean? Well, first and foremost, the overarching principle of all this is do what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it without fault.

And that might sound like a lot, a lot of guys like, dude, my word is my bond. Well, I would say that too, except. We moved into a new house and my wife's like, Hey, can you hang these paintings in the, in the, in this hallway? Yeah, no problem. Week goes by. She goes, Hey, are you going to get to those paintings?

Oh, totally. Yeah. Got it. Two more weeks goes by Hey, I don't mean to be a nag, but the paintings aren't done. And I go, Oh yeah, I'm totally. I've just been really busy. Got a lot on my mind. [00:40:00] Excuse, excuse, excuse, excuse. And then three weeks later, she's like, okay, dude, we're here. We are sick. We've been moving into this house for six weeks and you still haven't taken care of that thing.

And I'm like, ah, and that's where they start to lose the trust on the little things you don't do. You say, you know how long it took me to hang those paintings and get everything dialed in? 37 minutes, bro. I timed it just because I felt like, okay, this is going to be a teaching lesson for somebody somewhere, including myself.

37 minutes to just honor what I said I was going to do. So that's the overarching principle. Most guys like, they're like, I'm going to be home at five or I get off at five. I'll be home at 515. and every single night they're rolling at 547. So you're not gonna believe the office, the business was crazy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. If this was a first date with a gal that was a total knockout that you really wanted to be with. Would you be late every single fucking time? No, you wouldn't. Not at all. So, they start to distrust the word, and when the trust goes down, the lust goes down. And the resentment starts to build up, like, [00:41:00] I can't even trust what this guy says.

Like, even in the simplest stuff. So, when you say your word is your bond, they actually don't believe your word is your bond. They think you're full of it. So that's number one. Now, there's some other questions that we ask, and it's like this. Do you do your personal development for yourself, or do you do it to get approval and a pat on the back from her, or validation from her?

And if she doesn't notice all the work you're doing, do you give butt hurt? Another one is do you, do you not initiate sex out of fear of rejection or when you're rejected, do you act like a pouty little bitch a lot or become passive aggressive? Well, maybe I'd hang the paintings quicker around here if I got more laid, you know, make this kind of like pouty two year old.

We call it falling into the mom matrix, where the only thing you're, you're doing stuff and you're looking like, Hey, did you see that? Have you ever been like around little girls or little boys? Like, [00:42:00] dad, look, look, look, look, look. It's like, I'm watching dude. I saw yours. I saw your last 17 somersaults. You you're doing it.

Well done. But this is like, and I don't know, I don't know about where you live, Franklin, but dude, moms don't want to have sex with their kids at where I live. And yet guys put themselves into this thing, they edit and audit their shine, meaning they don't share what their true opinion is because they're afraid of upsetting the apple cart because they might get a crumb of that loving once every other week or once a month and they won't share their real opinion.

But dude, the most attractive thing in the world for a woman is a man who's comfortable in his own skin. and understands and doesn't change his opinion because he's trying to curry favor with somebody that might disagree. He's like, no, this is what I believe. This is why I believe it. This is who I am. If you don't like it, that's fine.

But this is who I am. So these are the types of things they seek permission for things they don't need to seek permission for. Like an example, Buddy [00:43:00] Garrett called me up the other day. He's like, Hey, what are you doing this weekend? And you want to come over for a few hours and we can, you know, shoot some videos and do this thing and do this thing.

I'm like, Oh, that sounds great. Let me see if I'm obligated anywhere else. I didn't call up Jesse and go, can I go and hang out with my friend? I'm like, Hey, did I agree to do something else? Did I already give my word that do we have anything planned? Am I obligated to be somewhere else? No. Oh, okay. Then I'm going to go hang out with my buddy and do this time.

Perfect. No big deal. So a lot of guys are asking permission from their wife and she's like, why are you asking permission for me? Aren't you the man? It's more of like alignment, not permission.

Yeah, and that's the thing. It's not that you don't communicate that at all or that you just call and say, Hey, I'm doing this.

And you don't like have that partner element where it's like, hold on, we're, we've got, we were in partnership together. We've got a life together. We need to communicate about this. So it's not permission, but it's also not just I'm leaving. I'll see you about, you know, [00:44:00] I'll see you when I get home, take care of the kids.

Exactly.

Yeah. So a woman can tell when you're in your power, out of your power and a woman doesn't want to be lead. She wants to be led. Very few men stand in their power, are honest about what they really feel and truly believe. And so, they, they sense this role reversal. They're like, they fell in love with you and you're masculine.

And then you stepped out of it and you started to let her guide and rule. And a lot of guys do this, man. A lot of guys are like, and I go, how many kids do you have? They're like, well, I've got three, but my wife says she has four. It's like, hmm. That's not, that's not good, man. You, this mom matrix comes up in so many ways, you know, the, the laundry gets so close to the hamper, but it can't quite make it in.

Or one day Jesse's like, did you have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? And I'm thinking she's Nostradamus. Like, how did you know? She's like, well, there's a glob of peanut butter and a smidge of jelly on the counter. You slob. Like, ooh, dang it. Now she has a clean up after me, feeling like, [00:45:00] uh, she's my mom.

These are not sexy, attractive things. So if a guy wants to have a passionate, sexually tensioned marriage where she's initiating, they're having fun, you gotta become a, you gotta become the man. And it's possible because she fell in love with you this way. You've just either stopped doing the attractive things or started doing the unattractive things.

The most beautiful thing is is when you start to do the attractive things again, and you stop doing the unattractive things, that chemical, that biological feeling starts to flow back into her. And she goes, Oh my gosh. You're back. She's going to give you some resistance because she's going to test you to see if this is for real.

Is this, are you doing this for you? Is this really going to last? Or are you going to go back to being the old guy again or not? So I'd have a guy ask himself how much of you stand his power to braid himself on a scale of one to 10. Where am I really at on this? Do I actually do what I say I'm going to do or is there still some projects around the house I've been telling her I'm going to do and I haven't done them?

Yeah, you've got me on this and I want to camp out here for [00:46:00] just a minute. There's about a dozen light bulbs in my house. That need to be replaced that I said, Oh yeah, I'll, I'll take care of that in one day goes by and two days go by. And what's interesting is you're not talking about achieving or taking on some monumental task.

I mean, use, use, use the example of hanging a few pictures. I've got some light bulbs to replace. These are a lot of times simple things. And in the. The crazy thing about it, they're so in seemingly insignificant that it makes them that much easier to just kind of push to the side and focus on other things, but it's in that ability to get good at paying attention to the details and following through on just what you said you're going to do.

And it's real easy, I think, as guys who, I mean, I'm really good at focusing on one thing at a time, and it's easy to forget about, Oh yeah, I said I would do this, this, and this, and I just forgot. Now I'm making excuses instead of just owning it, taking responsibility and going, Yep, I completely dropped the ball on that.

That's right. [00:47:00] There it is. I mean, defensiveness is the greatest lady boner killer of all time. I have a woman ask, Hey, what's going on here? And here you go. And just all defensive about everything. She's like, I can't even have a conversation with the dude. His ego is so big and tall that he can't even, I can't even have a conversation with this guy.

Defensiveness is just. It will destroy the intimacy within the marriage.

Why do men get so defensive?

Our little egos, our big old egos, our little boy, I don't know, they just, it's just a horrible, it's like we're in fantasy land, like we can't be wrong. I have a whole host of reasons why I think it is, but the bottom line is I just know it is, and it's, it's a lot of easy ways to fix it.

And I go into a lot of those in, in our coaching program and in our stuff that we do to help get down to the bottom of like, why does this happen? But the bottom line is, it's one of the things that women just cannot stand about men. They're so dang defensive. [00:48:00]

I've got to think that if you ask any man out there, would you like for the intimacy in your marriage to him to be better?

It's going to be a universal yes. At least 99. 999 percent of the men are going to say that would be nice. So for, you know, number one, someone listening to this could connect with Keith and go, you know, I really need some help in my marriage and I really need to figure out how I can show up so that I can be a man that, My wife is attracted to again and, and show up in a way that, you know, she deserves honestly.

But beyond that, like if someone is to go, man, I'm struggling right now. I'm, you know, I feel like there's just, I don't, I don't know what to do. I can't get out of my, out of my way. I've got these five dials. I've got these three lies. Keith, what do I do today to start showing up better in my home? Like, what are some really practical things?

Like, that I can start doing right now?

[00:49:00] Well, they can go to married game. com. I got a video there and they can book a call with me to talk with me specifically about what's going on with their situation and see if we can help a, but what can they start to do? They can start to truly ask himself, honestly, like what I would have them do is to add up those five scores.

It's going to give them a score out of 50. So if they got a 30 out of 50, just double that, that's a 60 out of a hundred. And they basically have a D minus score and to realize that your wife is a mirror to you. So if you understand that you've got a very low score, a lot of guys are like, dude, my wife, man, she used to be awesome, but now she's a total this and a total that.

And I'd rate my wife like a C minus or a D wife. She's just a reflection of you. So I always encourage guys. And what we do in our program is we spend 90 days getting them to the A plus version of themselves and watch what happens. Watch how she mirrors back this version of you. And it [00:50:00] really just comes down to being intentional and not being so damn selfish.

There's a lot of little practical things that they can do. And that is, Hey, I wonder if I just checked in with my wife and just see how she was doing and actually listened to her, actually just listen. What if I just picked up my kid and just started hanging out with my kid and spent some time with them?

What if I asked my wife on a date and made it about not the kids and not the laundry and not the business, but just took her out and just found out about her and went and did something fun. These are all practical things, but there's a real root core that even when some guys do the practical transactional stuff, if they haven't switched the energy from taker energy to giver energy and realize that I'm not doing this to get something, but I'm doing this because this is my standard, without that mindset shift, almost anything they do is their woman's going to feel like he's just doing this to get something.

So,

that's right. I like having the, you know, I've said, you know, it's the mindset, like, how do you, how do you step out of kind of [00:51:00] victim mentality, neediness, you know, it's like, okay, I'm going to serve and that's, you know, by being a great parent, great partner, producing well, being a player, being fun in our marriage and, and having this This power dial where I'm, I'm showing up as a, in, in doing what I say when I say without fault, but say, okay, I'm going to do the things without any expectation of praise, appreciation, recognition, or reciprocation, because then it's like, I'm not doing this for something like I'm not putting some, some level of responsibility on her to respond or react in a particular way.

I'm doing this because it's a choice I'm making. And it's the thing I'm choosing to do regardless of what that response is. And so I think it's just easy to set ourselves up for failure if we go, okay, I'm going to do these things. And by tonight, you know, there's going to be a big difference in my house.

It's like, well, you're, you're undermining the whole [00:52:00] thing. So just that, that mentality that you go into this with is so important, realizing that it doesn't matter if it takes one days or 90 days or whatever. How are you gonna show up? What is the standard that you're gonna hold yourself to? And you're, you're meeting that standard 'cause that's your standard, not because you're gonna get something in return.

Amen. Our two biggest principles in married game, and I loved everything you just said, is become the most attractive version of you. For you, this has gotta be for you. When my wife left, I realized, oh, this is gonna be my second divorce. And I'm not the most attractive version of me and I had to do it not to get her back.

I had to do it for me. This should be me. I should care enough about myself that I'm going to make this, I'm going to become the most attractive version of me for me. And secondly, another, the biggest principle in Mary game that we teach and live by daily is her response does not dictate my standard.

Like you said, I'm not doing this so that tonight she'll do something that she's used to that. Guys washing the dishes and banging the, [00:53:00] you know, the trash a little loud as they go out, hoping that their wife is like, wow, he did one chore. Oh my God. I can't wait to go upstairs and give him a blow job. It's like, no dude, you do it because that's who you are.

And then she starts to go, wow. Okay. This guy, he's a, he's a giver. He cares. This is his standard. That switches everything. And I always say like, there's two magnets. You put them together and they don't quite go together. Only one of them has to switch and they go slamming together. And that's an energy thing.

It's an energy thing. And so a man needs to, if he just changes his energy and shows up like a best friend again, he'd be really quite blown away what happens in this marriage.

This has definitely been the spiciest podcast that I've done so far. But, you know, beyond that, for men, you know, women listening to this, you know, here's the real truth is that, Your marriage will thrive when the intimacy is thriving and it will not if the intimacy is not thriving like this is such a foundation, like [00:54:00] such a important part of marriage and like your family will be better when you start showing up better, your marriage, your wife, like everything improves in your whole life when when you just get more connected with your spouse.

And so, like, following along and implementing some of what you learned today, because there's been a lot of, like, there's been so many nuggets that you've given that a man could go and begin to apply today. And I'm sure men listening to this are thinking, oh my gosh, like, I see so clearly now, hopefully, like, why Things are the way they are.

So I would encourage anyone listening to this to, to do these things, to start putting them into practice, to show up as the man that your wife deserves and wants. And then if you really need some help, like reach out to Keith, jump on a phone call. Like your marriage and your relationship with your wife is worth whatever investment it takes to get it to be as great of a marriage as it can possibly be.

And there's always another level. You can always improve, even if you've got an amazing marriage. Okay. How can you take it to the next level?

Yeah,

[00:55:00] I'm sure Keith can share and lots of stories of men who had great marriages that came into his program and they just went and and took it to to that next level.

And so men reach out and I'll let Keith kind of just share how to get in touch with him. And but I just appreciate you coming on today and having this conversation. And I hope it serves a lot of people in a lot of marriages in a really powerful way.

Yeah, man, thanks for having me on. And you're absolutely right.

We've got guys that are in the pit. And they're really struggling. 87%. There was a poll recently, 87% of men are not happy with the quantity or quality of sex within their marriage. Not even happy in their marriage. 87%, 13% are happy, and two of those 18, uh, two of those 13% are obsessed with each other.

So a lot of guys listening to this, basically nine outta 10 guys are gonna be like, dude, I, I would want, if they're willing to be honest with yourself, like, yeah, I, I want more connection and intimacy and happiness and just joy. Rather than walking on eggshells and it always be a fight and always be a battle and just, oh my gosh, they want peace in the family.

This is the way to get it. They can head [00:56:00] to merrygame. com. We're happy to help them out there. They can also check out my, me on Instagram at Keith Yak. You have a lot of reels and videos and different things there. But if a guy's seriously committed to wanting to stay married and have that marriage thrive, I work with guys that they're not, they're not interested in being mediocre or average in their life.

They want what they want. So we have guys that are deep in the pit. We have some guys that are on the path to the peak and they're on that path, but they're like, dude, there's more levels. Even black belts go for first degree, second degrees, third degrees. So there's all, some people understand that the analogy of martial arts, I just call this the marital arts.

The marital arts is like you're just learning and growing and getting and that's how my wife and I went from where she left me because she could not stand me to where now she absolutely adores me and our sex just gets better and better and better. We have a really hot, sexy, romantic date tonight [00:57:00] out in Beverly Hills.

So like it's, I'm literally living proof because I live this day in and day out and uh, it's the only way to live. And then the return of intimacy and the return on the investment of becoming the best version of yourself in your marriage. So I'd love to chat with any guy that needs this help, whether they're in the pit or whether they're on the path and there's a peak that they want to hit, we can help them.

Awesome. Keith, thank you so much for your time today. A really fun conversation. And, uh, yeah, man, thank you for the work you do. The marriages you help. And for your time this afternoon.

Thanks for having me.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast, give us a rating and review, and share this episode with one man you know needs to hear this message. We want to encourage as many men as possible to show up as the strong leaders, loving husbands, and intentional fathers their family [00:58:00] deserves.

And until next time, be the man the world needs.